Raise a smile .....

If you are 40 or older you will think this is hilarious!!! !
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with
walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill. ...
barefoot... BOTH
ways Yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew
up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on
my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty , I can't help but look
around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn
Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got
it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know
something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the
card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a
pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox
and it would take, like, a week to get there!
Stamps were 10 cents!

*** Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a
matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick
our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to
hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would
usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD
players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and
"eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone.. Cause - that's how
we rolled, dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and
somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution
3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and
'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your
imagination! ! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one
screen.... forever!
And you could never win.
The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you
died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You
were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass
and walk over to the TV to change the channel!
NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday
Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for
cartoons, you spoiled little
rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to
use the stove! Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or
before!

Regards,
*The Over 40 Crowd
*(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile, Whether they are under *40
*or not.)

The Royal Family.....Adult Humor

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, had bought new shoes for her wedding. On the big day they became increasingly tighter as the day went on. 

That night, after the festivities were over, and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!" 

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. 

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder". 

Charles yelled back. "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!" 

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried. 

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!" 

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!" 

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!" 

Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy who served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

The economy is so bad....that

The economy is so bad that...

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
 
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
 
Motel Six can’t afford to leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh, great!! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And, finally....

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Little girl on a plane

A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the  airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' 

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed  it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you  like to talk about?' 

'Oh, I don't know,' said the southern congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be  interesting topics.. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried  grass.
Why do you suppose that is?' 

The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's  intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' 

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

Kanjibhai in London

Kanjibhai arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK . 

Kanjibhai stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........ 

'Thank you Mr. British for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!' 

The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican!' 

Kanjibhai goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK !' 

The person says, 'I not British, I Polish!' 

The newlr arrived Kanjibhai walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain !' 

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Russia , I am not from Britain !' 

Kanjibhai sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a British?' 

She says, 'No, I am from Africa !' 

Puzzled, Kanjibhai asks her, 'Where are all the British?' 

The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work' 

Age of speed

*This is an age of speed. *
**
*It is no wonder that the effects are seen in affairs of the heart. A
fellow meets a girl at cocktail time and before midnight they are engaged.
Next morning he presents her with the ring. That afternoon he buys her a
mink coat, a beautiful gown, nylon stockings, silk undies, and a revealing
silk negligee. And that same night everything is off.*

Man's 5 most feared questions

What are the five most feared questions

1. *What are you thinking about? *
2. *Do you love me? *
3. *Do I look fat? *
4. *Do you think she is prettier than me? *
5. *What would you do if I died?*

* *
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the
truth).

Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below along with
possible responses.

*Question 1: What are you thinking about?*

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit
pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,thoughtful,
caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most
likely is one of the following:
a. Nothing
b. Football
c. Jennifer Lopez
d. How fat you are
e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once
told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking
to
you."

*Question 2: Do you love me?*

The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
necessary: "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, sh*t loads
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter
e. Who, me?

*Question 3: Do I look fat?*

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.

*Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me?*

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.

*Question 5: What would you do if I died?*

A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari and
a boat".)

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up
questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.

WOMAN: ...silence...
MAN: Sh*t

Hell

Surely not true, but very amusing!

*HELL EXPLAINED BY A** **CHEMISTRY STUDENT* *

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid term.*

*
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, is why we now have
the pleasure* *
of enjoying it as well:*
*

**Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?* *

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle 's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. **

One student, however, wrote the following:* *

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in
the world today.* *

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we
look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle 's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.* *

This gives two possibilities: * *

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.* *

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?* *

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over! The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct..... .leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'*

*
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+*

-----
Quote of the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm,
she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.. If
you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.. If you give her a smile,
she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to
her.. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

extras

Enjoy life now-it has an expiration date !

Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight ?

Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.

There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way.

This is hilarious:

What to do in a flight when you have an annoying passenger sitting next to you ... 

1. Remove your laptop from the briefcase;

2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:

3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;

4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;

5. Access the Internet;

6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven:

7. Take a deep breath and open the site: 

http://www.myit- media.de/ the_end.html

 

 <http://www.myit- media.de/ the_end.html

 

> 

8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you..

Have a good trip.

Husband and Wife Jokes!!!!!

1) Wife:   Aapko meri khoobsurat i zayada achi lagti hay ya aqalmandi..?

Husband:    Mujhey to tumhari ye mazaaq ki aadat bohot achi Lagti Hay... 
************ **

2) Husband:    Malang baba, meri biwi bohot 

pareshan karti hai, Koi hal batao.
Malang:    Beta, hal hota to mein malang kiu banta..?
************ **

3) Ek sahab dosray sahab se:   Bhai ye khushiyan kiya hoti hen?
Dosray sahab:    Pata nahi bhai, meri to kum umar me hi shadi ho gaii thi.
************ **

4) Wife:    Main bazar ja rahi hoon, 
mujhe 50 Rupay ki zaroorrat hai!

Husband (ghusay se):    Tumhen Rupay se ziada aqal ki zaroorat hai!

Wife:    Aapse wohi cheez mangi hai, jo aap k pass mojood hai! 
************ **

5) wife aur Husband Mazaar se Nikle to (aik Faqeer ne kaha:Shehzadi  5 rupey de de, Andha hoon.
Husband:   De do, Tumhe Shehzadi kaha hai to zaroor andha ho ga. 
************ **

6) An old man married a young Girl, 
Someone asks the GiRL:    Aap ne in mein Shadi ke liye kiya daikha?
Girl:     Aik to inki INCOME or dosray in ke Din kam. 
************ **

7) They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love;
After marriage:     It is self-defense 
************ **

8)Wife:     You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling:    When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife:     You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling:    Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?
************ **

9)How a woman calls her husband in first 6 years:
Yr 1. Janu
Yr 2. O G.
Yr 3. Aji, sunte ho?
Yr 4. Arey, O Bunty k pappa
And then...
Yr 7. Kahan mar gaye?
Yr 8. Tum aate ho k main aaon?
************ **

10) Teacher:      Wo Kon si Cheez Hai Jo Insaan Ki Izzat Ko Mazbooti Se Jakhre Rakhti Hai?
Student:      MISS, SHALWAR KA NARRA
************ **

11) Husband 2 Wife :       Did u Have any boyfriend before marriage ?? Wife remains silent 
Husband :     Mai is Khamoshi ko kya samjhu ?? 
Wife :      Abbe gin ne to De 
************ **

12) Thappar Maarnay par NaraZ Wife se Husband bola:
Aadmi usi ko maarta hai jis se Pyaar krta hai.
Wife ne Husband ko 2 thappar maaray aur Boli Aap kya samajhtay hain main Aapse Pyaar nahi kerti
************ **

13)Wife:      yesterday-night I saw a dream That u were sending me Jewelry and clothes! 
Husband:      yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill !!! 
************ **

14) Whats the diff between Dava & Daru? 
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date and Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi. 
************ **

15)Husband:    u will never succeed in making that dog obey u!
Wife:     Nonsense its only a matter of patience, I had a lot of trouble with u at first.
************ **

16) Husband aur Wife Hotel me gaye tabhi 1 Lady ne Hello kiya,
Wife nay pocha, Koun Thi Wo?
Husband:-     Tum dimagh kharab mat karo,
main pehle hi pareshan hun k woh bhi Yehi pochay gi.

THE CASE AGAINST LORD KRISHNA

A nun in Warsaw, Poland, filed a case against ISKCON (International Society for Krishna Consciousness). The case came up in court.

The nun remarked that ISKCON was spreading its activities and gaining followers in Poland. She wanted ISKCON banned because its followers were glorifying a character called Krishna who had loose morals, having married 16,000 women called Gopikas.

The ISKCON defendant to the Judge: “Please ask the nun to repeat the oath she took when she was ordained as a nun. The Judge asked the nun to recite the oath loudly. She would not. The ISKCON man asked whether he could read out the oath for the nun. Go ahead, said the judge.

The oath said in effect that 'she (the nun) is married to Jesus Christ'. The ISKCON man said, "Your Lordship! Lord Krishna is alleged to have 'married' 16,000 women. There are more than a million nuns who assert that they are married to Jesus Christ. Between the two, Krishna and the nuns, who has a loose character?

The case was dismissed!!

BLONDE HHHEEEELLLLLOOOOOOOOO :18+

Two blondes living in
Oklahoma  were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says
to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.... Florida or
the moon?"   

  

The other blonde
turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida
?????"   

    

  

CAR TROUBLE   

  

 A blonde
pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.   

  

After he works on
it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.   

  

She says,
"What's the story?"   

  

He replies,
"Just crap in the carburetor."   

  

She asks,
"How often do I have to do that?"   

  

    

  

SPEEDING TICKET   

  

A police officer
stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her
license.  

  

She replied in a
huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you
take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to
you!"   

  

   

  

RIVER WALK  

0A 

  

There's this
blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the
opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?"   

  

The second blonde
looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on
the other side."   

  

    

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE   

  

A gorgeous young
redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever
she touched it.   

  

"Impossible! "
says the doctor. "Show me."   

  

The redhead took
her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her
elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise
she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made
her scream.   

  

The doctor said,
"You're not really a redhead, are you?   

  

"Well,
no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."   

  

"I thought
so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."   

  

    

  

KNITTING  

  

=0 D 

A highway
patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the
car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was
knitting!   

  

Realizing that
she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked
down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL
OVER!"   

  

"NO!"
the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"   

  

    

  

BLONDE ON THE SUN   

  

A Russian, an
American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
"We were the first in space!"   

  

The American
said, "We were the first on the moon!"    

  

The Blonde
said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"   

  

The Russian
and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.  

  

To which the
Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"   

  

    

  

IN A VACUUM   

  

A blonde was playing
Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she
landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in
a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"   

  

She thought
for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"   

  

    

  

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!   

  

A girl was
visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her
what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex.  Her friend said, "Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like that?"   

  

"HELLLOOOOOOO. .....,"
answered the blond...  "They' re watch dogs!" 

Smart Pilots Today

Air Terminal Tower: "Air India 420, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 
miles!"
AI 420 pilot: "Please explain in different words! We are wearing digital 
watches!"

==
Lost in Air
A student pilot got lost during a solo cross-country flight for last two 
hours. 

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, Air Terminal operator 
asked, "What was your last known position?"

Pilot Student: "When I was on ground ready to takeoff."

==
Noise of Kinetic Energy
Tower Terminal Operator: "AI 2341, for noise reduction please turn right 
45 Degrees."

AI 2341 pilot: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make 
up
here?"

Tower Operator: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it 
hits a 727 at 500 miles an hour?"

==
Deadly threat:
Do not fight lunatics and old man
If they can not match you they kill you.

==
Humanitarian Procedure
Dinesh Vora

A patient told Doctor that the Surgery he suggested was too expensive and 
he could not afford it.

The greedy Doctor offered the help, "In that case sir the best I would do 
is just touch-up your x-ray films and save you money." 

==
Woman's Trick to Richness

If your mother is a poor woman,
it is your fate but,
if your mother-in-law is a poor woman,
it's your stupidity.