Give Your Best to Relationship

A boy and a girl were playing together.The boy had a collection of marbles. 
The girl had some sweets with her.
 
The boy told the girl that he will give her all his marbles in exchange for her sweets. 
The girl agreed. 
 
The boy kept the biggest and the most beautiful marble aside and gave the rest to the girl. 
The girl gave him all her sweets as she had promised.
 
That night, girl slept peacefully. 
But the boy couldn't sleep as he kept wondering if the girl had hidden 
some sweets from him the way he had hidden his best marble.
 

Moral of the story:

If you don't give your hundred percent in a relationship, always keep 
doubting  if the other person has given his/her hundred percent..
 
This is applicable for any relationship like love, employer-employee relationship etc. 
Give your hundred percent to everything you do and sleep peacefully.

Brakes - adult

A man is busy screwing his girlfriend on the railway tracks.  The alert
train driver spots the couple miles before and immediately starts hooting
and starts applying the brakes, but the couple just ignores it and is
happily in the act.

The driver is damn irritated and just stops a few yards away from the loving
couple. He jumps down from the engine and rushes towards the man who has
just finished and is zipping up his pants.

The driver is so angry, he starts shouting at the irresponsible young man,
"You idiot, do you realize that if I had not seen you at the right time,
this would have been your last f..k"

“Hold on” replies the young man. *“Listen, you were coming; she was coming
and I was coming... But only you had the brakes...”..*

BEAUTY OF ENGLISH

Beauty of ENGLISH-
Ever noticed how d 1 word aftr another in a sentence can lead 2a nice story?.
.Here's an example:.
"Oh Jack plz dont touch me at all..!""
Oh Jack plz dont touch me at..!""
Oh Jack plz dont touch..!""
Oh Jack plz dont..!""
Oh Jack plz...!""
Oh Jack..!""
Ohh...!''

clever ponderisms

CLEVER PONDERISMS 1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? My sentiments exactly! 3. Ok, so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans? 4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it? 5. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters. 6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? 10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam. 16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, tooth picks? 17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 21. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose? 22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 23. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells, 'THEIRS'?

bakwas bandh kar

Hope You guys Like This.
Please read at your own risk !!!!!! 

Brad Pitt and Vidya Balan get marriedAfter marriage, lots of students gather at 
their home ..... why ???
.......
..........because her name becomes Vidya Pitt (vidyapeeth) 

----------------------------------------------------------
rahul gandhi --> mom, aapaki wajah se meri shaadi nahi ho paaa rahi......... 
......... ......... ......... ......
sonia gandhi --> kyun beta???????? ????????
rahul gandhi --> har taraf to likha hai ki sonia ko bahumat do 
----------------------------------------------------------
BRUCE LEE was a great man
But after his sister gave birth to a baby he became an ordinary man...
why?
Because he became
MAMU LEE! 
----------------------------------------------------------
sharma and Verma r discussing-- -------sharma ----- "if i drink coffee, i ca'nt 
sleep!!!!"Verma ----- "with me it's the opposite.if i sleep i can't drink 
coffee." 
----------------------------------------------------------
One day Ravan went to a disco....... ......... ......... ..
aur wahan jaakar woh behosh ho gaya ............ .......
kyun???????? ????????? ??
kyun???????? ??????
bcoz it was written on the gate that "entry fee Rs.1500 per head" 
----------------------------------------------------------
who made Ganesh to Anesh...????
ThinK......
Think......
okay.....
" KAILASH KHER "
tere naam se " G " loon.... 
----------------------------------------------------------
Ek din ek aadmi apne naukar ko Priya Gold biscuit laane bolta hai. Tonaukar 
biscuit laane Pakistan jaata hai.Kyon??????
Think....... ......
Give up??
Coz..."Priya Gold biscuit. Haq se maango.." 
----------------------------------------------------------
Ek nadi thi......uske upar ek pull bana hua tha.....pull par bahut saari 
ladkiyan khadi thi......sab ki sab ek hi ladke ki deewani thi.....Guess who was 
the lucky guy??????...........................
Keep Guessing.... ..........................
Chalo yaar....the answer is
"KISNA"Jo hai albela mad naino wala...jiski diwani BRIDGE ki har bala.....woh 
kisna hai 
----------------------------------------------------------
if a CAT crosses ur way, when u are going some where,then what does it 
mean????????
?????????
?????????
?????????
?????????
?????????
????????? ?
?
?
? 
it means that the Cat is also going somewhere. 
----------------------------------------------------------
AND FINALLY THE LAST ONE 
Why are Indian husbands called "MADE OF SILVER"
And
Why are American husbands called "MADE OF GOLD"
Socho
|||||||
|||||||
Thoda sur Socho
||||||Socho Socho....
||||||
Nahi Aata
|||||||
Bcoz 
Indian wives call their husband "A g" ( Scientific Symbol for Silver)
American wives call their husband "A u" ( Scientific Symbol for Gold)

two friends

Women are chatting in office.
*
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in
three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled
over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a
romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he
lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had
an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It
was like a fairytale!



*At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
*
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my
wife and fell asleep. It was great!  What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut
the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out
to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We
had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there
was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I
was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come
for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't
fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

secretary pregnant by son

Tom in deep thoughts is sitting calm, very quiet. *
*Jerry asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom?" "Please don't ask." "I am your
childhood friend. Talk to me." *
*"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."*
*"That's not possible." *
*"No, he did." *
*"How's that possible?" *
*"He punctured my condoms!"

happy life with girlfriend

HOW HAPPY IS LIFE
WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND ;-)
1. You can stare at any Girl.......
2. You don't have to spend money on her. 
3. You won't get boring result in ur 
board papers. 
4. No girlfriend,
no emotional blackmailing.
5. If u don't have a girlfriend,
she can't dump u. 
6. Having a girlfriend is hot,
not having a
girlfriend is automatically cool,
and every one loves to be a cool guy. 
7. This can be more to life than
just waiting
for the bloody phone to ring.
8. You won't have to tolerate
someone else 
defining, "right" and "wrong" for u.
9. Girlfriend can get so possessive
that you can't do
anything according ur wishes anymore. 
10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad,
sis or grandpa instead
of a girlfriend and have a
happier family life. 
11. You won't have to waste paper 
writing love letters.
No more endless
waiting for ur date to arrive at
some weird shop place.
12. You can have more friends, 
as u will have more time for them. 
13. You wont have to see boring
love stories instead of sports.
14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody
and, therefore, u'll sin less. 
15. You can have good night's sleep-no
need to dream about her. 
16. You wont have to fight over having a
'special' friend with ur folks.
17. No nonstop nonsense. 
18. You wont have drown in the
pool of her tears. 
19. No tension. 
20. You can be "urself" 
21. You wont have to 
hide your telephone bills...

employing cleaning lady

A cleaning lady was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, "Yes, Sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got." Another man said, "I've got strength but no length." Another man says to the lady, "Take your hand off my trick!" I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, "You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise." Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies were talking and one said, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine." Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber."*

Doctor and pappu

Doctor to patient : Ab aapki tabiyat kaisi hai. Pappu : Doctor saheb Pehle se zyada kharab  ho gayi hai. Doctor : dawai khali thi kya? Pappu : Nai doctor saheb. dawai ki shishi to  bhari hui thi. Doctor : Are Pappu ji mere kehne ka matlab hai ki,  dawai le li thi kya. Pappu : Ji, aapne dawai de di thi aur maine le li thi. Doctor: Abe, dawai pili thi kya? Pappu : Oho, nai doctor saheb dawai to lal thi. Doctor : Abe GADHE, Dawai ko piliya tha kya? Pappu : Nai. Doctor, Piliya to mujhe tha. Doctor( in frustration) : Abe teri to,  Dawai ko muh lagakar Pet me dala tha k nai? Pappu : Nai doctor saheb. Doctor : Kyon? Pappu : Kyonki dhakkan band tha. Doctor : Teri sale, to Khola kyon nai. Pappu : Saheb, aapne hi to kaha tha ki,  shishi ka dhakkan band rakhna. Doctor : Tera ilaj main nai kar sakta. Pappu : Accha Doctor saheb ye to bata  do ki main thik kaise hounga

corporate lessons

Corporate Lesson 1 -
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife
is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps
herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there
stands Bob,the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll 
give
you $800 to drop that towel.†After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands
her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes
back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was
that?†“It was Bob the next door neighbor,†she replies. “Great!†the
husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?â€
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position
to prevent avoidable exposure.

———————–
Corporate Lesson 2 -
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an
accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up
her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?†The priest removed his
hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?†The priest apologized
“Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.â€
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.â€
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss
a great opportunity.
———————–
Corporate Lesson 3 -
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their
manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it
and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one 
wish.â€
“Me first! Me first!†says the admin. clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the a world.†Poof! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!†says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina 
Coladas
and the love of my life.†Poof! He’s gone.
OK, you’re up,†the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want
those two back in the office after lunch.â€
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
———————–
Corporate Lesson 4 -
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all
day. A Rabbit asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?â€
The crow answered: “Sure, why not.†So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very high up.
———————–
Corporate Lesson 5 -
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree,†sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.†
“Well,
why don’t you nibble on my droppings?†replied the bull. “They’re packed
with nutrients.†The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he
was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullcrap might get you to the top,
but it won’t keep you there.
———————–
Corporate Lesson 6-
Rohit woke up one fine morning with a huge hangover. He forced himself to open 
his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins and a glass of 
water on the side table. He sat down and sees his clothing in front of him, all 
clean and pressed.
Rohit looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, 
clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on 
the table. “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. 
Love You!â€
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the 
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Rohit asks, “Son, 
what happened last night?â€
His son says, “Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke 
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you 
stumbled into the doorâ€.
Totally Confused, Rohit asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, 
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with 
her!â€
His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried 
to take your clothes n shoes off, you said , “hey !!!!!!! leave me alone! 
I’m married!â€
MoralBreakfast — Rs. 100.00
Self-induced hangover — Rs. 2000.00
Broken furniture — Rs. 20,000.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk - PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cat to class

*At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and
she discovered little Jimmy with a cat up his jumper. She said, "Why have
you got your cat at school?" Little Jimmy started crying. "I woke up this
morning to hear the postman tell Mummy 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!"*

Chance favors the prepared mind

A traveler was stumbling through the desert; desperate for water, then he
saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked
towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table
with a bunch of neckties laid out.

The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some
water?" The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a
tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes. "The desperate man
shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you
that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant.Walk that
way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually
disappeared out of sight.

Three hours later he returned. The man at the card table asked, "I told you,
about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie.

saree

Wife Saw Sign Board:

Nylon Saree

Rs.8/-

Cotton Saree

Rs.5/-

Banarsi Saree

Rs.10/-

Wife: Give me Rs.500 I値l buy 50 Sarees.

Husband: Andhi! Dhobi ki dukaan hai

I know I am a human but listen to m

I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first: 
 
 
I sleep like a dog thinking about my work load whole night.
I get up in the morning like a horse
I go to work running like a deer
I work all the day like a donkey
I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday.
I wag my tail in front of all my bosses
I play with my children like a monkey if I get time.
I am like a rabbit before my wife

You think I'm enjoying myself

*An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his
time at the pub, so one night he took her along.*
*

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw
his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip
from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted!"
she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm
out enjoying myself every night!"

3 idoits .... Chatur speech on convo

Adarniya sadapati mahodaya atithi vishesh sikshan mantri sri R D tripatiji manniya sikshgan aur mere pyare sahapatiyo aaj agar ICE asman ki bulandiyon ko chu raha hai toh uska shrey sirf ek insanko jata hai Sir viru shahastra buddi.

Pichale 32 saal se inhone nirantar iss colg mein balatkar pe balatkar kiye, umeed hai aage bhi karte rahenge.

Hame toh ashchrya hota hai ki ek insaan apne jivan kaal me itni balatkar kaise kar sakta hai, inhone kadi tapasiya se apne aap ko is kabil bunaya hai.

Waqt ka sahi upyog, ghanti ka purna istemal koi inse sikhe sike inse sike. Aaj hum sab chatra yaha pe kal desh videsh me fail jaaye, vaada hai aapse jis desh mein honge waha balatkar karenge.

ICE ka naam roshan karenge. Dikha denge sabko jo balatkar karne ki
shamta yaha ke chatro mein hai, wo sansar ke kisi chatra mein nahi.

No othr chatra no othr chatra. Adarniya mantriji namashkar aapne is sansthan ko wo chis di jiski hume sakth jarorat thi - Stan. Stan hota sabi ke pas hai, sab chupa ke rakhte hai, deta koi nai.

Apne apna stan is balatkari purush ke haat de diya. Ab dekhiye ye kaisa iska upyog karta hai.

Swarna akshar par ek shlok yaad aa rahe hai. Uthamam datadad paadam, madhyam paadam tuchk-tuchk. Ganishtam thur-thuriya paadam, sursuri pran ghatgam.

Misfit World

Misfit World 
Dinesh Vora 
Two dwarfs pick up two prostitutes in a bar and take them
to their separate rooms in the hotel. *
The first dwarf, however, ran into the problem of getting erection. 
While the friend of his in next room was shouting, “Here baby I come 
again, one, two and three, oh… oh..” and he kept hearing this all night long. 
In the morning, the second dwarf opens the mouth first and asks his friend 
how did you do for all the money we paid these girls. 
The first one cried and says, “Damn it is frustrating, I even could not 
raise mine. But I could feel you really enjoyed the night several times.” 
The second dwarf said, “It is really embarrassing, but I could not even 
climb from the floor up on the bed.”

Smart Ass

Smart Ass -2009 

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead..'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. 
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas...'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

A Hilarious Mail from a frustrated victim of chain mails

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008 and continuing it in 2009 also....... 

Because of your kindness: 

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains. 

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS. 

* Forwarded hundreds of mails but still waiting for FREE DESKTOP, LAPTOP, CAMERA, CELLPHONE etc….. 

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer... 
* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me. 

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill with calls to Uganda, Pakistan, Singapore and Tokyo... 

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a Can for fear that I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.


* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times.... (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...) 

* Still open to help somebody from Nigeria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle's property of $ 100 million. So much trustworthy. 
* I have forwarded 35 emails to 400 people hoping that Ericsson or Nokia will send me latest mobile phones but those models are also obsolete now. 
* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh , Tirupathi Balaji pics etc. Now most of those 'Wishes' are already married (to someone else) 

NOW IMPORTANT NOTE : 

If you do not send this e-mail to at least 11,246 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will Pee on your head today at 6:30pm. 

Nothing has happened till now......... ......... ..... but who knows. So please forward.

Science Cartoons - "Life in Research" Biology & Medical Comic for Scientists & Doctors

Science Cartoons - "Life in Research" Biology & Medical Comic for Scientists & Doctors

Interesting Quotes

If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size? -Sydney J. Harris 
·  Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like. -Mill Smith 
·  Failure should never go to heart and success should never go to head, both makes a person to fall in life. - Winston Churchill 

·  A man can get discouraged many times but he is not a failure until he begins to blame somebody else and stops trying. -John Burroughs 
·  There's something in every atheist, itching to believe, and something in every believer, itching to doubt.
-Mignon McLaughlin 

·  Those who turn to God for comfort may find comfort but I do not think they will find God. -Mignon McLaughlin 
·  Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. -Goethe 
·  If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work. -Ogden Nash 
·  I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't. -Patrick Murray

CAT AND WIFE

CAT AND WIFE
Dinesh Vora


1. Cats do what they want. - So does wife
2. They rarely listen to you. - So does wife
3. They're totally unpredictable - So does wife
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone - So does wife
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play - So does wife
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim - So does wife
7. They're moody - So does wife
8. They leave hair everywhere - So does wife

Medical true stories . . .

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'. 

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one. 

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.. 

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.. 

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' 

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp. 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 

'Which one ?'. . .. I asked. 

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' 

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one. 

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.' 

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ...' So how was your breakfast this morning?' 

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.. 

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.' 

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary. 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass' 

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . had to mow the lawn.' 

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London

sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries

This is some of the funniest stuff I have read in a long time; just made my
day!!!!!!!

------------ --------- ---------

*These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in N Hospitals
Greater Glasgow, Scotland:*

*
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.*

*
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.*

*
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a
40 pound weight gain in the past three days.*

*
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night.*

*
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.*

*
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared. *

*
7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.*

*
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.*

*
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.*

*
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but
forgetful.*

*
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.*

*
12. She is numb from her toes down.*

*
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.*

*
14. The skin was moist and dry.*

*
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.*

*
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. *

*
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.*

*
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she
got a divorce.*

*
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical
therapy.*

*
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. *

*
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.*

*
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.*

*
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.*

*
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.*

*
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.*

*
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities*
*
.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.*

*
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
out of fuel and crashed.*

*
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.*

*
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.*

*
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on
the abdomen and I agree.*

*
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stock broker instead.*

*
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.*

-----
God gives cloth, wood and fire even to a dead man,
It is so sad that the living man keeps worrying...

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing
it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."-Buddha

A good way to change someones attitude is to change our own, because the
same sun that melts butter, also hardens clay!
Life is as we think it, so think beautifully.