Things to worry

"In life, there are only two things to worry about,
either you are well, or you are sick.
If you are well, there is nothing to worry about,
but if you are sick, you have two things to worry about;
either you will live, or you will die.
If you live, there is nothing to worry about,
if you die, you have two things to worry about;
either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about,
but if you go to hell,
you'll be so busy shaking hands with your friends,
you won't have time to worry!"*

Things to worry

Whorehouse

A little boy hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it
means.
His father is quite shocked, and replies: "Well, uh... you go there to...
have a good time."
The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too,
but his father insists that he's too young.
Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie's" to "have a good
time",
not knowing the little boy is following them.
After his father leaves, the little boy enters the whorehouse and tells the
Madame
that he wants to have a good time.
She's a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him
three doughnuts and tells him to leave.
Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried.
His father approaches him first and asks him where he's been.
"IN A WHOREHOUSE!" he screams proudly.
"WHAT? Well... uh... how was it?"
"I managed the first two without any problem, but
I just licked the last one"

Long time

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala
event hosted by a local liberal arts college.*

*There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.*

*“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?”*

*“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”*

*The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks
like you have seen a lot of action.”*

*“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”*

*The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”*

*The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the
young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but
when is the last time you had sex?”*

*“1955, ma’am.”*

*“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?”*

*Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to
a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.*

*Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
“Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”*

*The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”*

*(You’ve got to love military time!)*

maa bahen

Wife : Aaj tum udaas kyu ho??? 

Hubby : Aaj meri maa or bahen alag ho gayi hai....... 

Wife : koi baat nahi.. ab main aa gayi hu na.. 
Mai tumhari Maa behen ek kar dungi!!!!!!​‎​‎​ 

ek kisaan ki kahaani

Ek kisan jab fati haalat me gaon waapis aaya, to gaonwaalon ne usey 
puchha, "yeh kya hua?" 

Kisan : Shahar me anaaj bech raha tha, "GEHOON-LE-LO..." 

Gaonwale: Toh usme teri yeh halat kaise ho gayi?

Kisan: Un kamino ne samjha, "GAY-HOON...LE-LO!"

Prostate Exam - Thai style

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test
on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his
next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful
nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed
and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection"
said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.
"No, but I have" replied the nurse.