Chance favors the prepared mind

A traveler was stumbling through the desert; desperate for water, then he
saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked
towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table
with a bunch of neckties laid out.

The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some
water?" The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a
tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes. "The desperate man
shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you
that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant.Walk that
way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually
disappeared out of sight.

Three hours later he returned. The man at the card table asked, "I told you,
about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie.

saree

Wife Saw Sign Board:

Nylon Saree

Rs.8/-

Cotton Saree

Rs.5/-

Banarsi Saree

Rs.10/-

Wife: Give me Rs.500 I値l buy 50 Sarees.

Husband: Andhi! Dhobi ki dukaan hai

I know I am a human but listen to m

I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first: 
 
 
I sleep like a dog thinking about my work load whole night.
I get up in the morning like a horse
I go to work running like a deer
I work all the day like a donkey
I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday.
I wag my tail in front of all my bosses
I play with my children like a monkey if I get time.
I am like a rabbit before my wife

You think I'm enjoying myself

*An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his
time at the pub, so one night he took her along.*
*

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw
his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip
from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted!"
she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm
out enjoying myself every night!"

3 idoits .... Chatur speech on convo

Adarniya sadapati mahodaya atithi vishesh sikshan mantri sri R D tripatiji manniya sikshgan aur mere pyare sahapatiyo aaj agar ICE asman ki bulandiyon ko chu raha hai toh uska shrey sirf ek insanko jata hai Sir viru shahastra buddi.

Pichale 32 saal se inhone nirantar iss colg mein balatkar pe balatkar kiye, umeed hai aage bhi karte rahenge.

Hame toh ashchrya hota hai ki ek insaan apne jivan kaal me itni balatkar kaise kar sakta hai, inhone kadi tapasiya se apne aap ko is kabil bunaya hai.

Waqt ka sahi upyog, ghanti ka purna istemal koi inse sikhe sike inse sike. Aaj hum sab chatra yaha pe kal desh videsh me fail jaaye, vaada hai aapse jis desh mein honge waha balatkar karenge.

ICE ka naam roshan karenge. Dikha denge sabko jo balatkar karne ki
shamta yaha ke chatro mein hai, wo sansar ke kisi chatra mein nahi.

No othr chatra no othr chatra. Adarniya mantriji namashkar aapne is sansthan ko wo chis di jiski hume sakth jarorat thi - Stan. Stan hota sabi ke pas hai, sab chupa ke rakhte hai, deta koi nai.

Apne apna stan is balatkari purush ke haat de diya. Ab dekhiye ye kaisa iska upyog karta hai.

Swarna akshar par ek shlok yaad aa rahe hai. Uthamam datadad paadam, madhyam paadam tuchk-tuchk. Ganishtam thur-thuriya paadam, sursuri pran ghatgam.

Misfit World

Misfit World 
Dinesh Vora 
Two dwarfs pick up two prostitutes in a bar and take them
to their separate rooms in the hotel. *
The first dwarf, however, ran into the problem of getting erection. 
While the friend of his in next room was shouting, “Here baby I come 
again, one, two and three, oh… oh..” and he kept hearing this all night long. 
In the morning, the second dwarf opens the mouth first and asks his friend 
how did you do for all the money we paid these girls. 
The first one cried and says, “Damn it is frustrating, I even could not 
raise mine. But I could feel you really enjoyed the night several times.” 
The second dwarf said, “It is really embarrassing, but I could not even 
climb from the floor up on the bed.”

Smart Ass

Smart Ass -2009 

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead..'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. 
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas...'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.