A Straight forward prayer

Dear God:
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For 2011

all I ask for is a big fat bank account and a slim body.
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Please do not mix up the two like you did last year.
*

Adventure

*Santa Singh was travelling in a crowded bus. He was carrying a Passport
size photograph of his son (for college admission). *
*Accidently, the photograph fell down from his pocket. He started searching
for it frantically and found the same on the floor of the bus.
Politely, he asked the saree clad female, standing in front of him, "Can you
lift your saree? I want to take a photograph"
The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted in a
hospital. *
**
*He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him, in a still
worse condition. *
*

Banta started to explain his "Adventure".

He had gone to a remote village on some work & due to his high level of
intelligence, couldn't finish the work on time.
He had missed the last bus from that place. He couldn't find any Hotel. So
he approached a nearby house and asked the owner
whether he could stay there for the night. The owner replied, "I have 2
grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".
He approached the next house and asked whether he could stay there for the
night. The owner replied, "I have 3 grown up daughters.
Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".
He went towards the next house and without taking any risks, asked, "Do you
have "grown up" daughters?".
The owner asked, "WHY?????????"
Banta replied, "I want to stay here for a night..... "

Last Request

Pat was lying on his deathbed, moaning and carrying on. "Mike," he says,
"I know I'm a goner."*
**
*"Oh, Paddy, have faith, ye still have years ahead UV yuh."*
**
*"No, Mick, I'm finished, an' you've been such a great friend; there's one
thing I'd like yuh to do when I'm gone."*
**
*"Ahh, Paddy, I'll do anything you ask, I swear it to the Saints and the
Holy Mother." *
**
*"Well, Dear Friend, I have been saving a jug of fine whiskey that my
brother sent me from Dublin some eight years ago, and I would like you to
pour it on me grave when I'm buried." *
**
*Mike sits silently for a long time and Pat asks again, "Will you do that
for yer oldest friend, Mike?"*
**
*Mike draws a big breath and says, "Ye know I will Pat, but would ye mind if
I filter it through me kidneys first?"*

Hair cut

*The balding middle-aged man asked his barber, "Why do I have to pay full
price for a haircut -- there's so little of it." *
*"Well," said the barber, "actually I only charge a little for cutting it.
What you're paying for mostly is my time searching for it."*

Never make a woman angry!

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint
Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful
banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people
she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello - How are you! We've
been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful
place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the
Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of
Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I
married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I
lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around
the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I
fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis”, she replied.

*Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . there will be Hell to
pay!*

NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the which
is supposed mean lung-disease;
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters).

Hey Krishna

Hey Krishna tu is kalyug mein aa kar to dikha…

Tune 18 saal ki umar me mama kans ko mara,
BIN LADEN ko hath laga kar to dikha …

Tune Arjun ko to Saari Geeta sunayee,
Mere Project Manager se ek baar baat kar ke to dikha …

Tune to Arjun ka Sarathi banke Pandavon ko jitaaya
Indian Cricket team ka Coach ban ke WorldCup jitaake to dikha …
  Tune bhari mehfil mein draupadi ko saree pehnai,
Mallika sherawat ko ek jodi kapde pehna ke to dikha …

Tune gokul ki 1600 gopiyan patai,
Meri company ki sirf ek ladki ko pata kar to dikha …

Hey Krishna tu is kalyug mein aa kar to dikha

Tea time!

In the year 1975, Superman, Batman and Spiderman were flying across India &
suddenly they died.*

*Why ???*

*Hold on...Rajinikanth nahin hai iska jawaab !
...
Yaad hai, Sholay mein Gabbar ne 3 goliyan hawa mein chalayi thi....?*

Dirty fork

*A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. *
*Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, *
*I'll smell it and order from there."
A little curious, the owner walks over to a dirty
pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the
blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes
in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have,
meatloaf and mashed potatoes." "Unbelievable!" *
*In the kitchen, the owner exclaims to his wife Theresa,
who is also the cook, and tells her what has just happened.
*
*A few days later the blind man returns, and the owner
brings him a menu."Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you
a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork
and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath,
the blind man says, "That smells great,
I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
In disbelief, the owner tells his wife Theresa that
the next time the blind man comes in he's going to
test him.*
**
*The blind returns the following week, but this time *
*the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Theresa, rub this fork on your
panties before I take it to the blind man." Theresa
does it and hands her husband the fork.
As the blind man sits down, the owner is ready.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and
I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a
deep whiff and says,
"Hey, I didn't know that Theresa works here?**

Things to worry

"In life, there are only two things to worry about,
either you are well, or you are sick.
If you are well, there is nothing to worry about,
but if you are sick, you have two things to worry about;
either you will live, or you will die.
If you live, there is nothing to worry about,
if you die, you have two things to worry about;
either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about,
but if you go to hell,
you'll be so busy shaking hands with your friends,
you won't have time to worry!"*

Things to worry

Whorehouse

A little boy hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it
means.
His father is quite shocked, and replies: "Well, uh... you go there to...
have a good time."
The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too,
but his father insists that he's too young.
Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie's" to "have a good
time",
not knowing the little boy is following them.
After his father leaves, the little boy enters the whorehouse and tells the
Madame
that he wants to have a good time.
She's a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him
three doughnuts and tells him to leave.
Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried.
His father approaches him first and asks him where he's been.
"IN A WHOREHOUSE!" he screams proudly.
"WHAT? Well... uh... how was it?"
"I managed the first two without any problem, but
I just licked the last one"

Long time

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala
event hosted by a local liberal arts college.*

*There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.*

*“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?”*

*“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”*

*The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks
like you have seen a lot of action.”*

*“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”*

*The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”*

*The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the
young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but
when is the last time you had sex?”*

*“1955, ma’am.”*

*“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?”*

*Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to
a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.*

*Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
“Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”*

*The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”*

*(You’ve got to love military time!)*

maa bahen

Wife : Aaj tum udaas kyu ho??? 

Hubby : Aaj meri maa or bahen alag ho gayi hai....... 

Wife : koi baat nahi.. ab main aa gayi hu na.. 
Mai tumhari Maa behen ek kar dungi!!!!!!​‎​‎​ 

ek kisaan ki kahaani

Ek kisan jab fati haalat me gaon waapis aaya, to gaonwaalon ne usey 
puchha, "yeh kya hua?" 

Kisan : Shahar me anaaj bech raha tha, "GEHOON-LE-LO..." 

Gaonwale: Toh usme teri yeh halat kaise ho gayi?

Kisan: Un kamino ne samjha, "GAY-HOON...LE-LO!"

Prostate Exam - Thai style

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test
on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his
next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful
nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed
and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection"
said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.
"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

Why aren't you afraid of me?

*A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were
sitting in their pews and talking.* *Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front
of the church.*
*
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in
his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'*

*The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.*

daru

Jab maine daru pehli bar pee....
Mein apni nazro mein gir gya..
Aur maine darru chhodne ka faisla kiya. 
Par fir jab maine un tamaam daru factory ke majdoor, 
unke biwi bacho ke bare me socha, 
toh meri aankh bhar aayi 
aur usi pal faisla kiya ki ab se 'I will drink regularly!'

Apne liye to sab jeete hain..
kabhi doosron k liye bhi jee kar dekho dost!

mast joke

Morning in cities:

Delhi:Get up darling
Pune:Dear u r getting late
Mumbai:Wake up Sweet Heart
UP:paani aa gaya hai
light jane wali hai
uth rahe ho ya dun ek laat.....:) 

Extract from Tony Blair's book!

'I had regularly started jogging out of Downing Street . On each run I
happened to jog past a hooker (prostitute) standing on the same
street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for
what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty Pounds!" she would shout from the kerb.

"No way, 50pence!" I fired back.

This ritual between myself and the hooker continued for days.

I'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty Pounds!"

And I'd yell back "50pence!"

One day, however, my wife Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany
me on my jog.

As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realised the
"pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I had
really been doing on all my past outings.

I realised I'd need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious
lawyer wife.

As we jogged into the turn that would take us past the corner, I
became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker.

I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past.

Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled,

"See what you get for 50pence?!!"