BLONDE HHHEEEELLLLLOOOOOOOOO :18+

Two blondes living in
Oklahoma  were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says
to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.... Florida or
the moon?"   

  

The other blonde
turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida
?????"   

    

  

CAR TROUBLE   

  

 A blonde
pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.   

  

After he works on
it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.   

  

She says,
"What's the story?"   

  

He replies,
"Just crap in the carburetor."   

  

She asks,
"How often do I have to do that?"   

  

    

  

SPEEDING TICKET   

  

A police officer
stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her
license.  

  

She replied in a
huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you
take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to
you!"   

  

   

  

RIVER WALK  

0A 

  

There's this
blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the
opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?"   

  

The second blonde
looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on
the other side."   

  

    

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE   

  

A gorgeous young
redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever
she touched it.   

  

"Impossible! "
says the doctor. "Show me."   

  

The redhead took
her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her
elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise
she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made
her scream.   

  

The doctor said,
"You're not really a redhead, are you?   

  

"Well,
no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."   

  

"I thought
so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."   

  

    

  

KNITTING  

  

=0 D 

A highway
patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the
car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was
knitting!   

  

Realizing that
she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked
down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL
OVER!"   

  

"NO!"
the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"   

  

    

  

BLONDE ON THE SUN   

  

A Russian, an
American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
"We were the first in space!"   

  

The American
said, "We were the first on the moon!"    

  

The Blonde
said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"   

  

The Russian
and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.  

  

To which the
Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"   

  

    

  

IN A VACUUM   

  

A blonde was playing
Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she
landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in
a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"   

  

She thought
for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"   

  

    

  

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!   

  

A girl was
visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her
what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex.  Her friend said, "Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like that?"   

  

"HELLLOOOOOOO. .....,"
answered the blond...  "They' re watch dogs!" 

Smart Pilots Today

Air Terminal Tower: "Air India 420, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 
miles!"
AI 420 pilot: "Please explain in different words! We are wearing digital 
watches!"

==
Lost in Air
A student pilot got lost during a solo cross-country flight for last two 
hours. 

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, Air Terminal operator 
asked, "What was your last known position?"

Pilot Student: "When I was on ground ready to takeoff."

==
Noise of Kinetic Energy
Tower Terminal Operator: "AI 2341, for noise reduction please turn right 
45 Degrees."

AI 2341 pilot: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make 
up
here?"

Tower Operator: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it 
hits a 727 at 500 miles an hour?"

==
Deadly threat:
Do not fight lunatics and old man
If they can not match you they kill you.

==
Humanitarian Procedure
Dinesh Vora

A patient told Doctor that the Surgery he suggested was too expensive and 
he could not afford it.

The greedy Doctor offered the help, "In that case sir the best I would do 
is just touch-up your x-ray films and save you money." 

==
Woman's Trick to Richness

If your mother is a poor woman,
it is your fate but,
if your mother-in-law is a poor woman,
it's your stupidity.

A new way of anger management... a looooong story but very interesting

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know! (My new philosophy!)

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris . Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f*** ing
number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole !'
and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it
in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or
had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole !'
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole
calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back
and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign
in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW
asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is..'

I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .

'It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time t o catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when
I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called Asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah.'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax' I have a
black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don, and you had better start
saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole No. 2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole .'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.

I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax , and that my gay lover was on his way
over to kill me.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just
in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in
front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a
news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management works !

SENIORS

An older gentleman was 
on the operating table 
awaiting surgery 
and he insisted that his son, 
a renowned surgeon, 
perform the operation. 

As he was about to get the anesthesia, 
he asked to speak to his son. 
'Yes, Dad, what is it? ' 

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best 
and just remember, if it doesn't go well, 
if something happens to me, 
your mother is going to come and 
live with you and your wife.' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ 

Aging: 

Eventually you will reach a point 
when you stop lying about your age 
and start bragging about it. 

------------ --------- --------- --- 

The older we get, the fewer things 
seem worth waiting in line for. 

------------ --------- --------- --- 
Some people 
try to turn back their odometers. 
Not me! 
I want people to know 'why' I look this way. 
I've traveled a long way 
and some of the roads weren't paved. 

************ ******** 
When you are dissatisfied 
and would like to go back to youth, 
think of Algebra. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ 

You know you are getting old when 
everything either dries up or leaks. 

------------ --------- --------- - 
One of the many things 
no one tells you about aging 
is that it is such a nice change 
from being young.. 

== 
Ah, being young is beautiful, 
but being old is comfortable. 

== 

First you forget names, 
then you forget faces. 
Then you forget to pull up your zipper. 
It's worse when 
you forget to pull it down.. 

------------ --------- --------- --- 

Long ago 
when men cursed 
and beat the ground with sticks, 
it was called witchcraft.. . 

Today, it's called golf. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ 

Two old guys 
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart 
when they collide. 

The first old guy says to the second guy, 
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, 
and I guess I wasn't paying attention 
to where I was going.' 

The second old guy says, 
'That's OK, it's a coincidence. 
I'm looking for my wife, too. 
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.' 

The first old guy says, 'Well, 
maybe I can help you find her. 
What does she look like?' 

' The second old guy says, 
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, 
with red hair, 
blue eyes, 
long legs, 
and is wearing short shorts. 
What does your wife look like?' 

To which the first old guy says, 
'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.' 

SENIORS

A distraught senior citizen 
phoned her doctor's office. 
'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 
'that the medication 
you prescribed has to be taken 
for the rest of my life? ' 
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her . 

There was a moment of silence 
before the senior lady replied, 
'I'm wondering, then, 
just how serious is my condition 
because this prescription is marked 
'NO REFILLS'.' 

Once Again

"When we were young kids growing up , we were told to eat our vegetables at dinner and not leave them. 

Mothers said, think of the starving children in India and finish the dinner.' 

And now I tell my children: 
'Finish your homework. Think of the children in India who would make you starve, if you don't. " 

Initiating American Life

A Desi came to USA, settled with green card,
got married from India, initiated the American life, bought a house and 
invited friends for the house warming party. 

He was greeting all the incoming guests, introducing his wife, "LICK HER 
IN D FRONT & POKE HER AT D BACK."

So a friend approached his wife and wanted to know how he should carry our 
his host friend's wishes. 

The wife got angry and said, he means, "LIQUOR IS IN THE FRONT & POKER IS 
AT THE THE BACK." 

Service

It's confusing when I hear the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service' 
U.S. Postal 'Service' 
Telephone 'Service' 
Cable TV 'Service' 
Civil 'Service' 
State, City, County & Public 'Service' 
Customer 'Service' 

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant. 

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had 
hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows. 
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies 
are doing to us. 

You are now as enlightened as I am.

Nice na?

Really good one..

Try this one---

-
Galileo used 'Lamp' to Study,

Graham bell used 'Candle' to study,

Shakshpeare studied in 'Street lights'

But .....

Do u know about Rajnikant......????

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Only Agarbatti......