some laughter to share

Try not to laugh, for many the new technology is difficult !!!!!!!!!!!!!



Tech Support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer :A white one.
...............................
Customer :Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my DVD out!!!
Tech Support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer :Yes, I'm sure it's really stuck.
Tech Support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer :No, wait a minute, I hadn't inserted it yet. It's still on my
desk . . . sorry. Thank you.
...............................
Tech Support: Click on the 'MY COMPUTER' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer :Your left or my left?

...............................
Tech Support: Hello. How may I help you?
Male Customer: Hi .. . . I can't print.
Tech Support: Would you click on 'START' for me and . .
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me. I'm not Bill
Gates!!!
...............................
Customer :Good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't print. Every time I try,
it says . . . 'CAN'T FIND PRINTER'. I even lifted the printer and placed it
in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it!!!
...............................
Customer :I have problems printing in red.
Tech Support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer :Aaaah . . . . . .. . . . . thank you.
...............................
Tech Support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer :A teddy bear that my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11 store.
...............................
Customer :My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged into the computer?
Customer :No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take ten steps backwards.
Customer :Okay..
Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer :Yes.
Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer :Yes, there's another one here. Wait a moment please. . .. . . . .
Ah, that one does work. Thanks.
...............................
Tech Support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital
letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'.
Customer: Is that '7' in capital letters?
...............................
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the correct password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure I saw my co-worker do it.
Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
...............................
Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape
Tech Support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry . . . Internet Explorer.
...............................
Customer: I have a huge problem! My friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer . . . but, every time  I move my mouse, it disappears.
...............................
Tech Support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the
little circle around it.
...............................
A woman customer called the Canon help desk because she had a problem with
her printer.
Tech Support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The
man sitting next to me is by a window, and his printer is working fine!
...............................
.And last, but not least . . .

Tech Support: Okay George, press the control and escape keys at the same
time.  That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.  Now, type
the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a 'P'.
Tech Support: On your keyboard, George.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech Support: 'P' . . . on your keyboard, George.
Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!

-----------------------------------

A bonus for your patience :



A Chinese man married an African woman and the couple had a child.  A few
months later the child passed away.  At the funeral, a family member of the
African woman kept sobbing, crying and saying, “I just knew it.”

A family elder pulled her aside and discretely asked her what she knew.

She replied, “Chinese products don’t last.”

HILARIOUS !! - 10 classic Indianisms: 'Doing the needful' and more

We are a unique species, aren’t we? Not humans. Indians, I mean. No other
race speaks or spells like we do.

Take greetings for example.

A friendly clerk asking me for my name is apt to start a conversation with,
“What is your good name?” As if I hold that sort of information close to my
heart and only divulge my evil pseudonym. Bizarre.

I call these Indianisms.

Which got me thinking about a compilation, a greatest hits of the most
hilarious Indianisms out there. And here they are. The most common ones,
and my favorites among them.
*1. 'Passing out'*

When you complete your studies at an educational institution, you graduate
from that institution.

You do not "pass out" from that institution.

To "pass out" refers to losing consciousness, like after you get too drunk,
though I’m not sure how we managed to connect graduating and intoxication.

Oh wait … of course, poor grades throughout the year could lead to a sudden
elation on hearing you’ve passed all of your exams, which could lead to you
actually "passing out," but this is rare at best.

*2. 'Kindly revert'*

One common mistake we make is using the word revert to mean reply or
respond.

Revert means "to return to a former state."

I can’t help thinking of a sarcastic answer every time this comes up.

“Please revert at the earliest.”

“Sure, I’ll set my biological clock to regress evolutionarily to my
original primitive hydrocarbon state at 1 p.m. today."

*3. 'Years back'*

If it happened in the past, it happened years ago, not "years back."

Given how common this phrase is, I’m guessing the first person who switched
"ago" for "back" probably did it years back. See what I mean?

And speaking of "back," asking someone to use the backside entrance sounds
so wrong.

“So when did you buy this car?”

“Oh, years back.”

“Cool, can you open the backside? I’d like to get a load in.”

*4. 'Doing the needful'*

Try to avoid using the phrase "do the needful." It went out of style
decades ago, about the time the British left.

Using it today indicates you are a dinosaur, a dinosaur with bad grammar.

You may use the phrase humorously, to poke fun at such archaic speech, or
other dinosaurs.

“Will you do the needful?”

“Of course, and I’ll send you a telegram to let you know it's done too.”

*5. 'Discuss about'*

“What shall we discuss about today?”

“Let’s discuss about politics. We need a fault-ridden topic to mirror our
bad grammar.”

You don't "discuss about" something; you just discuss things.

The word "discuss" means to "talk about". There is no reason to insert the
word "about" after "discuss."
That would be like saying "talk about about." Which "brings about" me to my
next peeve.
*6. 'Order for'*

"Hey, let’s order for a pizza."

"Sure, and why not raid a library while we’re about it.”

When you order something, you "order" it, you do not "order for" it.

Who knows when or why we began placing random prepositions after verbs?

Perhaps somewhere in our history someone lost a little faith in the "doing"
word and added "for" to make sure their order would reach them. They must
have been pretty hungry.

*7. 'Do one thing'*

When someone approaches you with a query, and your reply begins with the
phrase "do one thing," you're doing it wrong.

"Do one thing" is a phrase that does not make sense.

It is an Indianism. It is only understood in India. It is not proper
English. It is irritating.

There are better ways to begin a reply. And worst of all, any person who
starts a sentence with "do one thing" invariably ends up giving you at
least five things to do.

“My computer keeps getting hung.”

“Do one thing. Clear your history. Delete your cookies. Defrag your
hardrive. Run a virus check. Restart your computer... .”

*8. 'Out of station'*

“Sorry I can’t talk right now, I’m out of station.”

“What a coincidence, Vijay, I’m in a station right now.”

Another blast from the past, this one, and also, extremely outdated.

What's wrong with "out of town" or "not in Mumbai" or my favorite "I'm not
here"?

*9. The big sleep*

"I’m going to bed now, sleep is coming."

"OK, say hi to it for me."

While a fan of anthropomorphism, I do have my limits. "Sleep is coming" is
taking things a bit too far.

Your life isn’t a poem. You don’t have to give body cycles their own
personalities.

*10. 'Prepone'*
“Let’s prepone the meeting from 11 a.m. to 10 a.m.”

Because the opposite of postpone just has to be prepone, right?

"Prepone" is probably the most famous Indianism of all time; one that I’m
proud of, and that I actually support as a new entry to all English
dictionaries.

Because it makes sense. Because it fills a gap. Because we need it. We’re
Indians, damn it. Students of chaos theory.

We don’t have the time to say silly things like "could you please bring the
meeting forward."

Prepone it is.

There are many more pure grammatical "gems" in what we call Indian English.
Perhaps in time I’ll list some more. And perhaps in the near future, we’ll
get better at English.

Till then, kindly adjust.

Can I Borrow $5?

Can I Borrow $5? *
*
A woman came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find her 7-year
old son waiting for her at the door.

SON: 'Mummy, may I ask you a question?'

MUM: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the woman.

SON: 'Mummy, how much do you make an hour?'

MUM: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the woman
said angrily.

SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?'

MUM: 'If you must know, I make $20 an hour.'

SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down.

SON: "Mummy, may I please borrow $5?"

The mother was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can
borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march
yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being
so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.'

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door..

The woman sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's
questions.. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the woman had calmed down, and started to think:

Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $5 and he
really didn't ask for money very often. The woman went to the door of the
little boy's room and opened the door.

'Are you asleep, son?' She asked.

'No Mummy, I'm awake,' replied the boy.

'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the woman.
'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $5
you asked for.'

The little boy sat straight up, smiling. 'Oh, thank you Mummy!' he yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.

The woman saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his
mother.

'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the mother grumbled.

'Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,' the little boy replied.

'Mummy, I have $20 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home
early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.'

The mother was crushed. She put her arms around her little son, and she
begged for his forgiveness.

It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life.. We
should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time
with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember
to share that $20 worth of your time with someone you love.

If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily
replace us in a matter of hours. But the family & friends we leave behind
will feel the loss for the rest of their lives

An atheist

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!." 

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." 

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."