airline jokes

AIRLINE ANNOUNCEMENTS

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here,

find a seat and get in it! 

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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings.

If you're going to leave anything,  please make sure it's something we'd like to have. ' 

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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane' 

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into

the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to

stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying

our airline.'  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the

passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.   
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' 

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?' 

*************************************** 
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan,

a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:  'Whoa, big fella,  WHOA!' 

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,

a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,

'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because

sure as hell everything  has shifted after a landing like that.' 

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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:  

'We ask you to please remain seated  as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.' 

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy

and bumpy day:  During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. 

After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen,

welcome to Amarillo   ...  Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened

while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!' 

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'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency

water landing, please paddle  to shore and take them with our compliments.' 

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'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.  

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. 

 Please do not leave children or spouses.........except for that gentleman over there.' 

****************************************** 
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City .. 

The flight attendant came on the  intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump,

and I know what y'all are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the  airline's fault,

it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.' 

**************************************** 
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with,

'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew

have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.  And, once the tire

smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and

you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.' 

**************************************** 
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks

 for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting

through the skies in a pressurized metal tube,  we hope you'll think of US Airways..' 

**************************************** 
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,

the smoking section  on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em,

you can smoke 'em.' 

**************************************** 
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport .  After it reached a comfortable

cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom;

'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, 

in route from New York to Los Angeles .  The weather ahead is good and, therefore,

we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax.... OH, MY GOD!' 

 Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and

 said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.

While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup

of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!' 
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing.  You should see the back of mine!

LOVELY ONE....................

One song can spark a moment,
One flower can wake the dream.
One tree can start a forest,
One bird can herald spring.

One smile begins a friendship,
One handclasp lifts a soul.
One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame the goal 

One vote can change a nation,
One sunbeam lights a room
One candle wipes out darkness,
One laugh will conquer gloom. 

One step must start each journey.
One word must start each prayer.
One hope will raise our spirits,
One touch can show you care. 

One voice can speak with wisdom,
One heart can know what's true,
One life can make a difference,
You see, it's up to you! 

Low Count !!!

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." 

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!" 

Obama & the Canadian PM - good one this!!

Obama & the Canadian PM

President Obama and the Canadian PM are shown a time machine which can see 50 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

President Obama goes first: "What will the USA be like in 50 years’ time?"

The machine whirls and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out: "The country is in good hands under the new president, José Fernandez.... crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. Vice President Jin Tao has declared Chinese language mandatory in all US schools There are no worries."

The Canadian PM thinks, "It's not bad, this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks: "What will Canada be like in 50 years’ time?"

The machine whirls and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it.

"Come on, David," says Obama, "Tell us what it says."

"I can't! It is all in Punjabi" ... 
   

Facebook addiction

Many of us will relate to this definitely ;))*

*The 76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions
Clinic, searching for the right department. She passed signs for the "Heroin
Addiction Department (HAD)," the "Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)" and
the "Bingo Addiction Department (BAD)." Then she spotted the department she
was looking for: "Facebook Addiction Department (FAD)."*
*It was the busiest department in the clinic, with about three dozen people
filling the waiting room, most of them staring blankly into their
Blackberries and iPhones. A middle-aged man with unkempt hair was pacing
the room, muttering, "I need to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows."
**A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his
hands, while a curly-haired woman comforted him.*
*"Don't worry. It'll be all right."*
*"I just don't understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but none
of my friends even clicked the 'like'** button."*
*"How long has it been?"*
*"Almost five minutes. That's like five months in the real world."*
*The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the
receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counselor.*
*"Please have a seat, Edna," he said with a warm smile. "And tell me how it
all started."*
*"Well, it's all my grandson's fault. He sent me an invitation to join
Facebook. I had never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was
something for me, because I usually have my face in a book."*
*"How soon were you hooked?"*
*"Faster than you can say 'create a profile.' I found myself on Facebook at
least eight times each day -- and more times at night. Sometimes I'd wake up
in the middle of the night to check it, just in case there was an update
from one of my new friends in India. My husband didn't like that. He said
that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced."*
*"What do you like most about Facebook?"*
*"It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five
or six friends, but on Facebook, I have 674. **I'm even friends with Juan
Carlos Montoya."*
*"Who's he?"*
*"I don't know, but he's got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous."*
*"Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see."*
*"Oh yes. I've even connected with some of the gals from high school -- I
still call them 'gals.' I hadn't heard from some of them in ages, so it was
exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who's retired, who's still
working, and who's had some work done. I love browsing their photos and
reading their updates. I know where they've been on vacation, which movies
they've watched, and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under.
I've also been playing a game with some of them."*
*"Let me guess. Farmville?"*
*"No, Mafia Wars. I'm a Hitman. No one messes with Edna."*
*"Wouldn't you rather meet some of your friends in person?"*
*"No, not really. It's so much easier on Facebook. We don't need to gussy
ourselves up. We don't need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash.
That's the best thing about Facebook -- you can't smell anyone. Everyone is
attractive, because everyone has picked a good profile pic. One of the gals
is using a profile pic that was taken, I'm pretty certain, during the
Eisenhower Administration. "*
*"What pic are you using?"*
*"Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn't find
one I really liked. So I decided to visit the local beauty salon."*
*"To make yourself look prettier?"*
*"No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That's what I'm
using."*
*"Didn't your friends notice that you look different?"*
*"Some of them did, but I just told them I've been doing lots of yoga."*
*"When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?"*
*"I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a message
on my wall from my husband: 'I moved out of the house five days ago. Just
thought you should know.'"*
*"What did you do?"*
*"What else? I unfriended him of course!"*
*

*

Don't be too busy earning a living to make any money.

Having more money does not insure happiness. People with ten million dollars
are no happier than people with nine million dollars.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while
you're being miserable.

When a person with money meets a person with experience, the person with the
experience winds up with the money and the person with the money winds up
with the experience

Education in SA

A new school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the local
schools. He is introduced to the class by the teacher.

She says to the class: "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by
allowing him to ask you a question." The inspector decides to ask a
biblical question. He asks: "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?"
For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at
him blankly.

Eventually Sipho raises his hand. The inspector points excitedly to him.
Sipho stands up and says: "Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of
Jericho, but I am innocent."

The inspector looks at the teacher for an explanation. She says: "Well, I've
known Sipho since the beginning of the year and I believe that if he says
that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it."

The inspector is totally shocked at the level of ignorance and storms down
to the principal's office and tells him what happened. The principal
replies: "Look I don't know the boy, but I socialise every now and then with
his teacher and I believe her. If she feels that the boy was not involved,
then he must be innocent."

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the
principal's desk and calls the Minister of Education. He relates the entire
episode and asks her what she thinks of the education standard in the
school. The Minister sighs heavily and replies: "Eish wena. You know I am
very busy. I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal. Just get
three quotes and have the wall fixed."

Jack & Jill by NDTV

Awesome . . . . . .  hilarious & very true . . . . . read till end and
enjoy !!! J

Here is how the Indian TV news channel NDTV 24x7 would report the Jack
and Jill nursery rhyme. All names (except those of Jack and Jill), are
fictitious.

Prashant - TV Anchor
Two persons have been injured in a freak climbing accident. Jack and
his companion Jill had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water when
Jack fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after. Live
from the hill, our reporter, Amrita Shah, takes up the story.

Amrita Shah
Thank you Prashant. Well, as you say, two persons - Jack and Jill -
had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Suddenly, Jack fell down
and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Prashant.

Prashant
Thank you Amrita. What do we know about the hill?

Amrita
Not too much. Jack was going up the hill to fetch a pail of water when
he fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after
[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "hill breaks crown of
pail-boy Jack"]

Prashant
What news of Jack and Jill?

Amrita
Prashant, it seems that Jack had gone up the hill to fetch a pail of
water. We know nothing about the pail, or how heavy it was but it
seems that Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling
after. I have here with me, an eyewitness to the accident, Mr Shahid
Trivedi. Mr Shahid, tell us what you saw.

Shahid Trivedi
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell
down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.
[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "Boy and girl tumble
down hill. Water spilled"]

Amrita
Jack and Jill. What do we know about them? Are they brother and
sister? Are they married? Just what were they doing on the hill
together?

Shahid Trivedi
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail a water.

Amrita
And what happened next?

Shahid Trivedi
Jack fell down and broke his crown

Amrita
Go on.

Shahid Trivedi
And Jill came tumbling after.

Amrita
Prashant, there you have it. Two people innocently going about their
business to fetch a pail of water when one of them falls down, breaks
his crown, and the other comes tumbling after. Back to you in the
studio Prashant.
[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "Water errand ends in tragedy"]

Prashant
I have with me in the studio now, Professor Chandrashekar Belagare
from the Indian Institute of Applied Hill Sciences. Professor: a hill;
Jack; Jill; a pail of water. A tragedy waiting to happen?

Professor
Well that depends on the hill, the two persons, the object they were
carrying and the conditions underfoot. Let us look at the evidence so
far.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Clearly, one would suspect that if Jack’s fall was severe enough to
break his crown then the surface of the hill must have been slippery
or unstable. But I think we’re overlooking something quite fundamental
here. Who was carrying the pail? Jack fell down and broke his crown
and – this is the key – Jill came tumbling after. If Jack and Jill had
been carrying the pail together, would they not have fallen at the
same time? The fact that Jill came tumbling after suggests that Jack
lost his footing first and perhaps knocked Jill over as he slipped.

Prashant
Professor thank you very much. So there we have it, two persons – Jack
and Jill – went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down
and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Later in the
programme, Osama bin Laden killed in Abbotabad, Kanimozhi and Raja
sent to Tihar jail, Shayad Halwa reveals names of ministers, and
Pakistan launches nuclear warheads against key Indian cities. But next
up, join us after the break for a studio discussion about hills, boys
and girls and whether water-fetching trips should be supervised. We’ll
be right back...