Thursday, February 3, 2011

CAT AND WIFE

CAT AND WIFE
Dinesh Vora


1. Cats do what they want. - So does wife
2. They rarely listen to you. - So does wife
3. They're totally unpredictable - So does wife
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone - So does wife
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play - So does wife
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim - So does wife
7. They're moody - So does wife
8. They leave hair everywhere - So does wife

Medical true stories . . .

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'. 

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one. 

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow 
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2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 
'Big breaths,'. I instructed.. 

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.. 

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath 
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3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' 

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp. 
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4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 

'Which one ?'. . .. I asked. 

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' 

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one. 

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General 
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5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.' 

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent 
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6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ...' So how was your breakfast this morning?' 

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.. 

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.' 

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary. 
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7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass' 

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . had to mow the lawn.' 

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London

sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries

This is some of the funniest stuff I have read in a long time; just made my
day!!!!!!!

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*These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in N Hospitals
Greater Glasgow, Scotland:*

*
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.*

*
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.*

*
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a
40 pound weight gain in the past three days.*

*
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night.*

*
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.*

*
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared. *

*
7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.*

*
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.*

*
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.*

*
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but
forgetful.*

*
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.*

*
12. She is numb from her toes down.*

*
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.*

*
14. The skin was moist and dry.*

*
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.*

*
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. *

*
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.*

*
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she
got a divorce.*

*
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical
therapy.*

*
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. *

*
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.*

*
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.*

*
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.*

*
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.*

*
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.*

*
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities*
*
.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.*

*
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
out of fuel and crashed.*

*
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.*

*
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.*

*
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on
the abdomen and I agree.*

*
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stock broker instead.*

*
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.*

-----
God gives cloth, wood and fire even to a dead man,
It is so sad that the living man keeps worrying...

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing
it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."-Buddha

A good way to change someones attitude is to change our own, because the
same sun that melts butter, also hardens clay!
Life is as we think it, so think beautifully.

Latesht SMS's....

If time doesn't wait for you, don't
worry! 

Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life! 

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Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a gud person is like 

expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it. 

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Don't walk as if you rule the world, 

walk as if you don't care who rules the world! 

That's called Attitude...! Keep on rocking! 

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Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did 

and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did
!!! 

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He was a good man. He never smoked, drank & had no affair. 

When he died, the insurance company refused the claim. 

They said, he who never lived, cannot die! 

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A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles? 

He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the
Crocodiles ! 

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So many options for suicide: 

Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, 

jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow
& sure! 

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All desirable things in life are either 

illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else! 

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Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru 

We should learn to love our enemies- Mahathma Gandhi 

Ab aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di??? 

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When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart, 

when tears flows from your eyes always say these words... 

Eh Ganpat, chal daru la... 

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10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving. 

Which makes it a logical statement that 

90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking! 

Piyo Sar Utha Ke! 

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Chandni raat thi, 

nadi ka kinara tha, 

asmaan me taro ka nazara tha, 

Bihari premi ne pyar se muskarate hue Biharan premika se kaha: Ae Susma, Bidi
Piyegi ?

A woman's place

MAN SMART WOMEN SMATER 

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Several years before the Afghan conflict, Barbara Walters, co-host of

20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that--in spite of the

overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, women still walk behind

their husbands, and appear happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked:  'Why do

you now seem to prefer an old custom that you once tried so

desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without

hesitation said:  'Land Mines.'

Moral of the story is that no matter what language you speak or where you go:

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!! 

Taxi ride

A woman and her ten year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.

It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom" said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says,
"Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks,
"Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.

Kiss

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to
jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have
ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are
you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"