Tuesday, September 20, 2011

A Prayer to Lord

Dear Lord,

You took my favorite actor.. Shammi Kapoor.
You took my favorite actress.. ..Madhubala,
You took my favorite singer.... Mohammed Rafi

I just wanted to let you know;

my favorite politicians are : 

Sharad Pawar, 

Manish Tiwari, 

Kapil Sibal, 

Abhishek Sangvi , 
Madamji, 

Dig VjaySingh,
PChh....
and I can send you the list.

praise for answered prayers

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Alice Chapman stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, John, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor John must have experienced.

"John was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of John's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on John.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, John is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm John Chapman." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Sternum is a flat, dagger shaped bone located in the middle of the chest.

Just Drink...Don't drive

Finally it has happened..
BEER is now cheaper than PETROL 
Now there will be a new slogan..

"JUST DRINK-DON'T DRIVE" 

Ghanta....a multipurpose word

GHANTA !! - A multi purpose word used in many ways :

class chalenge ??
~ghanta chalenge..

padhai ki ??
~ghanta ki..

chal be party de !!
~ghanta party..

pre exam ho rha h be !!
~ajeeb ghanta panti hai..

uska accident ho gya be !!
~le ghanta..

notes bnaye ??
~ghanta bnaye..

abe 500 rs de na !!
~ghanta lega..

Dis way energy z saved 4m spekng a sentence..

All thnx to our "GHANTA" xD 

Monday, September 19, 2011

Bahen ki vidhai

BAHEN KE VIDHAAYI MEIN, USKA CHOTA BHAI- PAPA, DIDI RO RAHI HAI, JIJAJI TO NAHI RO RAHEN HAI....

PAPA: BETA, DIDI TO GATE TAK HE ROYEGI, LEKIN JIJAJI TO ZINDAGI BAR ROYENGE.....

very funny

Teacher: tum bade hokar kya karoge
Arun: Shadi    
Teacher: Aisa Nahi, tum kya banana
chahate ho?
Arun: Husband.
Teacher: No, I mean, Tumhe zindagi me
kis chiz ki tamanna hai?
Arun: Wife ki
Teacher: Oh No, tum apne parents
keliye kya karoge?
Arun: Bahu  Dhudunga
Teacher:  Stupid, Tumhare Mata, pita tumse kys chahate
hai?
Arun: Pota
Teacher: He bhagvan, tumhare zingi ka
laksh kya hai?
Arun: Hum Do, Hamara Ek.

Nice girl & Good girl

What is the difference between a good girl and a nice girl?
A nice girl goes out on a date , goes home, and goes to bed.
A good girl goes out on a date, 
goes to bed, and 
then goes home.

BIMAARI in Bollywood style-

BIMAARI in Bollywood style-
1. Jiya Jale jaan jale, Raat bhar dhuan chale : FEVER
2. Tadap tadap ke is dil se aah nikalti rahi : HEART ATTACK
3. Juda hoke bhi tu mujh main kahin baki hai: CONSTIPATION 
4. Bidi jalaiye jigar se piya jigar maa badi aag hai: ACIDITY
5. Tujh main rab dikhta hai yaara main kya karun: CATARACT
6. Tujhe yaad na meri aayi kisise ab kya kehena: ALZEIMERS
7. Man dole mera tan dole: VERTIGO

Big question

Petrol - 71.92

Sachin Tendulkar - 99 Century's

Big Question ... Who will reach 100 first....??

Gossiping

Testing for gossip

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, “Do you know what I just heard about your friend?”

“Hold on a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”

“Triple filter?”

“That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you’re going to say. That’s why I call it the triple filter test. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man said, “Actually I just heard about it and ...”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?”

“No, on the contrary…”

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, but you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test though, because there’s one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really …”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”


Have a nice day
Keep smiling

Salary increase

New way to threaten your boss:

If you do not increase my salary,
I will tell everyone in the office
that you have increased my salary....

Highs & Lows of life

The Highs And Lows Are So Important To Keep Us Ever Going... 
Even A Straight Line In An ECG Means, 
We Are Not Alive...
So Enjoy The Highs And Lows Of Life..

Shaadi Shuda joda...

1 Hotel me new Shaadi Shuda Joray ke liay hidayat darj thi:
“Khirki par perhdey daal dijeay”
“Aapka Pyaar andha ho sakta hai.”
“Magar hamara staff Nahi.”

Guess Who?

*A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. *
**
*After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they
received from friends and family. *
**
*Since this was a new home, the process took some time. *
**
*The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display
and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where
tickets were impossible to get. *
**
*They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent
this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a
single line: "Guess who sent them."

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the
effort. *
**
*They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. *
**
*On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of
the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. *
**
*And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was
written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"

Three Daughters

*There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. *
*Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was
all right. *
*One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from
his
youngest daughter's room. He stood there for a while and thought about this,
*
*but decided that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering
her at this time of the night. *
*When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her
crying. *
*He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow
and continued. *
*There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, *
*and he then went to bed, satisfied.*

*The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, *
*he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, *
*as I walked past your window. Why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making
me happy..."
He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was
that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was hurting
me..."
He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..."
She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."*

Tihar special

Kani, Raja & Kalmadi were laughing at Amar Singh.
Amar asks Y laughing?
They said:"Humne to CASH LIYE aur Jail Aaye, Chodu Tu To CASH DENE pe Jail Aaya"

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Sukh & Shanti

"Sukh"...toh tumhe jitna punya kiya hoga.....utna hi milega.......
parantu "Shanti"....gharwali ki iccha hogi......utni hi milegi.... 

politically incorrect II

've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good
product name.



A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in Fort Dodge, but I've been banned
from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets



You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools.



A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a
moustache"



Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000
Muslims have added me as a friend!!



Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to
the lady at the registration desk...

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”



The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods
in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of
the driveway.



I know you will forward this one....



*







*




The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his
tongue. – Anonymous

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
– Josh Billings

Hold your fart

Don't hold your farts in, 
they travel up your spine and into your brain 
and that's where your shitty ideas come from....

Gas cylinder

Teacher:agar duniya mein saari aaurto ke chehra ek jaisa hote toh kya hota?
Pappu:Hona kya tha Sir,gas cylinder ki tarah aaj eske ghar kal uske ghar

New sponsors

PEPSI has withdrawn its sponsorship to Indian Cricket Team. 
The new Sponsors are WHISPER ULTRA 
as Team is going through its Worst PERIOD 

Height of education

A policeman saw a teenage boy crying
He asked him: Whats the matter, boy?
Boy: "MATTER" is anything that occupies space & has mass.

The Lord works in mysterious ways!

Persevere!


*A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter
he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a
twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure
needed that right now.

As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning
against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the
twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and
wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!

So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it
as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and
smiled.

The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the
shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor
asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the
winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday
and paid thirty to one.”*

What's her age?

A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young
man
behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a
young
woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and
gently
raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And
her,
what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at
night in a lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The trooper asks: 'And her.... what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11
minutes...'