Wife to drunk husband: From now on, if your lips touch liquor, you will never touch mine. What are you thinking?
Husband: Deciding, 18 year old scotch or 36 year old lips
Husband: Deciding, 18 year old scotch or 36 year old lips
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Principle of rockets
We indians work on the
"Principle of rockets''
It doesn't mean we aim for the sky,
It means that, we don't start working unless our tail is on fire.
"Principle of rockets''
It doesn't mean we aim for the sky,
It means that, we don't start working unless our tail is on fire.
Best excuse
*Best excuse by a female employee* !
This incident, is supposed to have happened in real life.
My friend, who is a the head of Human Resources at a very large bank, says
that the best excuse for absenteeism, that he had ever received in his
career of almost 22 years, was from a female Indian employee, at their
bank's head quarters at Mumbai, India, in July, 2010. He says when the lady,
was questioned on why she remained absent the previous day, she simply
replied .......
*" But sir, I had no option. My husband was on casual leave yesterday and
was at home. By mistake he took pills from the wrong bottle in our medicine
cabinet and ended up consuming an over-dose of Viagra ! Now how could I have
left him, all alone at home, with the house-maid ? "*
This incident, is supposed to have happened in real life.
My friend, who is a the head of Human Resources at a very large bank, says
that the best excuse for absenteeism, that he had ever received in his
career of almost 22 years, was from a female Indian employee, at their
bank's head quarters at Mumbai, India, in July, 2010. He says when the lady,
was questioned on why she remained absent the previous day, she simply
replied .......
*" But sir, I had no option. My husband was on casual leave yesterday and
was at home. By mistake he took pills from the wrong bottle in our medicine
cabinet and ended up consuming an over-dose of Viagra ! Now how could I have
left him, all alone at home, with the house-maid ? "*
to sound cool
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation
frequencies.
So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any
official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
frequencies.
So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any
official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
Love Story soap
*Love Story by a **Soap **marketing student*
*There was a beautiful girl named Rexona and a hand some boy named Cinthol,*
* Rexona & cinthol fell in love with each other. Rexona parents were Hamam &
Margo,*
* Cinthol parents were Wheel & Nirma, Rexona was very excited to make
cinthol his "Life Boy".*
*They wished to marry and approach their aunt 501 who mannages to convince
them. Rexona*
* & Cinthol were very happy in th**e**ir love they fixed their marri**a**ge
at " Fair & lovely " *
*garden opposite to Santoor theatre, Medimix city.*
*They invited their friends Lux, Dove, Dettol, Savlon, Tide, Fa, Jo and
others, Rexona*
* and Cinthol got married and lived Happily in their Dream land "PEARS" and
after 1 year *
*they got twins 'Johnson & Johnson'.*
*There was a beautiful girl named Rexona and a hand some boy named Cinthol,*
* Rexona & cinthol fell in love with each other. Rexona parents were Hamam &
Margo,*
* Cinthol parents were Wheel & Nirma, Rexona was very excited to make
cinthol his "Life Boy".*
*They wished to marry and approach their aunt 501 who mannages to convince
them. Rexona*
* & Cinthol were very happy in th**e**ir love they fixed their marri**a**ge
at " Fair & lovely " *
*garden opposite to Santoor theatre, Medimix city.*
*They invited their friends Lux, Dove, Dettol, Savlon, Tide, Fa, Jo and
others, Rexona*
* and Cinthol got married and lived Happily in their Dream land "PEARS" and
after 1 year *
*they got twins 'Johnson & Johnson'.*
Karwa Chauth
An after thought on Karwa chaut -
Cutting down your food will not give your husbands a longer life
.
But if you can cut down your spending it surely will!!
Cutting down your food will not give your husbands a longer life
.
But if you can cut down your spending it surely will!!
Dubai
Dubai is the land of the biggest, tallest, longest, widest, richest, fanciest, fastest...everything is t... in the world.
They have the tallest residential towers in the world, the tallest restaurant in the world, the largest number of Malbaris in the world, the highest crane operator in the world.
If it does not grow in Dubai , they' ll make it artificially - artificial ski slopes, artificial islands, artificial oasis, coconut trees and lawns, artificial beaches, artificial economy.
Indians especially love it here because of the dirham-to-rupee value. Pakistanis adore it.
The Egyptians come here because there is nothing to do in Egypt . No more pyramids to build either.
The Filipinos come here because they have no choice; there's nothing back home, not even dogs - they've been eaten up.
The Brits come here coz they have forgotten what it is to enjoy 3 meals a day in UK and nobody employs them there for the crap they give. .
The Lebanese come here to buy cars, dress to kill, wear Peter Pan shoes 10 sizes bigger than their feet, put 1 kg of gel on their heads and give everyone ball talk. They'll buy a 1980s Merc or BMW for 10k dirhams and drive the car like they're sitting in the rear passenger seat, stretching their arms all the way to the steering wheel, giving you the piercing bald eagle look.
Russian girls come here for "fun".
The Bangladeshis come here to serve you when you honk outside a Baklava (shop), but would not even look at you if you park and go inside to pickup yourself.
Now according to the government Dubai is Tax free. Of course, that is true. You only have to pay for the visa, medical, sponsor, insurance, resident ID, Opening a bank account or even closing an account, Municipality, Sewerage, attestation of papers, translation of papers, driving license papers, lessons, Car license, testing, and .... but the salary is Tax Free.
Only, there is a Pay and Park scheme with 5000 parking lots, and 500,000 cars in the city, so where the hell do you park? And you are fined for wrong parking.
Toll has been introduced on many roads. You can avoid the toll tax by using alternative routes, but you'll end up in a traffic jam because everyone is trying to avoid the toll tax.
If you have any government related work like medicals for visa or immigration, you have 2 options - Standard and Urgent Procedure. Standard takes 15 days and Urgent takes 2 days. The difference is 30 to 40-odd dirhams. Everyone goes for the urgent option and the Dubai government makes money, urgently.
If you switch jobs you get a work ban and to lift the ban you pay a huge penalty.
In Dubai , without a car you are paralyzed (you don't even get jobs if you don't have a car). But you 'll get your license in attempts ranging from 2 to 20. Each time you fail you have paid fees for Driving classes & Driving Tests, which are 1000-odd dirhams. Imagine the money RTA makes.
Most of the expats live alone with families back home. So they spend much on phone calls. And call charges from Dubai are high.
Another odd thing about Dubai - no matter where you go or who you meet, you take down phone numbers. Everybody has everybody's number in Dubai . And everyone has a Visiting Card, whether you are a bootlegger, a masseuse, a hooker, a car cleaner, a watchman or a pizza delivery boy. Everyone knocks around with lots of cards in his or her wallet and one card in the palm. So whenever you shake hands with anyone in Dubai and let go, you end up with a visiting card in your palm.
If you're walking on the road and you ask someone the time, he'll tell you 10:30, give you his card and say, I have new and second-hand watches.
At a restaurant when you are leaving they'll say Here is my card, call us for home delivery.
If you're below your building, you'll meet those Chinese chicks giving you their cards, saying, Call us if you want DVDs.
If you're standing at a bus stop, a
Pakistani will pull over in his 1980 Toyota Corolla, give you his card and say, If you want Pick-up & Drop Service, call me.
Dubai has amusing-looking buildings. Some have holes in them, some have giant balls on them, some look like aeroplanes, some look like sail boats, and, all of them reach into space with your window right in front of the moon.
Everyone in Dubai goes to malls. Not necessarily to shop. To beat the heat, go to a mall; business meeting, go to a mall; getting bored, go to a mall; want to take a leak or dump, go to a mall; want to do lukhagiri (little in your pocket, little in your mind), go to a mall.
If you want to go for a picnic go to a mall.
Some Malbaris go home to Kerala, get married, and then come to a Dubai Mall for their honeymoon.
THAT...MY FRIENDS.....IS
DOO-BAI
They have the tallest residential towers in the world, the tallest restaurant in the world, the largest number of Malbaris in the world, the highest crane operator in the world.
If it does not grow in Dubai , they' ll make it artificially - artificial ski slopes, artificial islands, artificial oasis, coconut trees and lawns, artificial beaches, artificial economy.
Indians especially love it here because of the dirham-to-rupee value. Pakistanis adore it.
The Egyptians come here because there is nothing to do in Egypt . No more pyramids to build either.
The Filipinos come here because they have no choice; there's nothing back home, not even dogs - they've been eaten up.
The Brits come here coz they have forgotten what it is to enjoy 3 meals a day in UK and nobody employs them there for the crap they give. .
The Lebanese come here to buy cars, dress to kill, wear Peter Pan shoes 10 sizes bigger than their feet, put 1 kg of gel on their heads and give everyone ball talk. They'll buy a 1980s Merc or BMW for 10k dirhams and drive the car like they're sitting in the rear passenger seat, stretching their arms all the way to the steering wheel, giving you the piercing bald eagle look.
Russian girls come here for "fun".
The Bangladeshis come here to serve you when you honk outside a Baklava (shop), but would not even look at you if you park and go inside to pickup yourself.
Now according to the government Dubai is Tax free. Of course, that is true. You only have to pay for the visa, medical, sponsor, insurance, resident ID, Opening a bank account or even closing an account, Municipality, Sewerage, attestation of papers, translation of papers, driving license papers, lessons, Car license, testing, and .... but the salary is Tax Free.
Only, there is a Pay and Park scheme with 5000 parking lots, and 500,000 cars in the city, so where the hell do you park? And you are fined for wrong parking.
Toll has been introduced on many roads. You can avoid the toll tax by using alternative routes, but you'll end up in a traffic jam because everyone is trying to avoid the toll tax.
If you have any government related work like medicals for visa or immigration, you have 2 options - Standard and Urgent Procedure. Standard takes 15 days and Urgent takes 2 days. The difference is 30 to 40-odd dirhams. Everyone goes for the urgent option and the Dubai government makes money, urgently.
If you switch jobs you get a work ban and to lift the ban you pay a huge penalty.
In Dubai , without a car you are paralyzed (you don't even get jobs if you don't have a car). But you 'll get your license in attempts ranging from 2 to 20. Each time you fail you have paid fees for Driving classes & Driving Tests, which are 1000-odd dirhams. Imagine the money RTA makes.
Most of the expats live alone with families back home. So they spend much on phone calls. And call charges from Dubai are high.
Another odd thing about Dubai - no matter where you go or who you meet, you take down phone numbers. Everybody has everybody's number in Dubai . And everyone has a Visiting Card, whether you are a bootlegger, a masseuse, a hooker, a car cleaner, a watchman or a pizza delivery boy. Everyone knocks around with lots of cards in his or her wallet and one card in the palm. So whenever you shake hands with anyone in Dubai and let go, you end up with a visiting card in your palm.
If you're walking on the road and you ask someone the time, he'll tell you 10:30, give you his card and say, I have new and second-hand watches.
At a restaurant when you are leaving they'll say Here is my card, call us for home delivery.
If you're below your building, you'll meet those Chinese chicks giving you their cards, saying, Call us if you want DVDs.
If you're standing at a bus stop, a
Pakistani will pull over in his 1980 Toyota Corolla, give you his card and say, If you want Pick-up & Drop Service, call me.
Dubai has amusing-looking buildings. Some have holes in them, some have giant balls on them, some look like aeroplanes, some look like sail boats, and, all of them reach into space with your window right in front of the moon.
Everyone in Dubai goes to malls. Not necessarily to shop. To beat the heat, go to a mall; business meeting, go to a mall; getting bored, go to a mall; want to take a leak or dump, go to a mall; want to do lukhagiri (little in your pocket, little in your mind), go to a mall.
If you want to go for a picnic go to a mall.
Some Malbaris go home to Kerala, get married, and then come to a Dubai Mall for their honeymoon.
THAT...MY FRIENDS.....IS
DOO-BAI
There is hell
Always Remember There’s A ‘HELL’ In Every H E L L 0 … Be Careful.
There’s A ‘GOOD’ In Every G O O D B Y E … Be Grateful
There’s A ‘GOOD’ In Every G O O D B Y E … Be Grateful
MENSA INVITATIONAL
THE WASHINGTON POST'S MENSA INVITATIONAL ONCE AGAIN INVITED READERS TO
TAKE ANY WORD FROM THE DICTIONARY, ALTER IT BY ADDING, SUBTRACTING, OR
CHANGING ONE LETTER, AND SUPPLY A NEW DEFINITION.
HERE ARE THE WINNERS:
1. CASHTRATION (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. IGNORANUS: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. INTAXICATON: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
4. REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. BOZONE ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. FOREPLOY: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
9. INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. KARMAGEDDON: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
12. DECAFALON (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.
14. DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. BEELZEBUG (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. CATERPALLOR ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words.
And the winners are:
1. COFFEE, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. FLABBERGASTED, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.
3. ABDICATE, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. ESPLANADE, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. WILLY-NILLY, adj. Impotent.
6. NEGLIGENT, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
nightgown.
7. LYMPH, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. GARGOYLE, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. FLATULENCE, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.
10. BALDERDASH, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. TESTICLE, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. RECTITUDE, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. POKEMON, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. OYSTER, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. FRISBEETARIANISM, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. CIRCUMVENT, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men
TAKE ANY WORD FROM THE DICTIONARY, ALTER IT BY ADDING, SUBTRACTING, OR
CHANGING ONE LETTER, AND SUPPLY A NEW DEFINITION.
HERE ARE THE WINNERS:
1. CASHTRATION (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. IGNORANUS: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. INTAXICATON: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
4. REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. BOZONE ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. FOREPLOY: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
9. INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. KARMAGEDDON: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
12. DECAFALON (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.
14. DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. BEELZEBUG (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. CATERPALLOR ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words.
And the winners are:
1. COFFEE, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. FLABBERGASTED, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.
3. ABDICATE, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. ESPLANADE, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. WILLY-NILLY, adj. Impotent.
6. NEGLIGENT, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
nightgown.
7. LYMPH, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. GARGOYLE, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. FLATULENCE, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.
10. BALDERDASH, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. TESTICLE, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. RECTITUDE, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. POKEMON, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. OYSTER, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. FRISBEETARIANISM, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. CIRCUMVENT, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men
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