Thursday, January 13, 2011
Efficiency expert
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"Well, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.
'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied,
"Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get my breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
"You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"Well, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.
'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied,
"Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get my breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
Thomas the Tank Engine
*A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want
off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are
getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for
TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice
language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant
one.'
She hears the little boy continue,
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage
under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see
the fat controller in the kitchen.*
playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want
off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are
getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for
TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice
language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant
one.'
She hears the little boy continue,
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage
under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see
the fat controller in the kitchen.*
Before judging someone...
Before judging someone...
Before judging someone... put yourself in his shoes and walk a mile!
And then party like crazy... as the shoes are now yours and... that idiot is a mile away:)
And then party like crazy... as the shoes are now yours and... that idiot is a mile away:)
Grandma's birthday celebration
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...
"Bastards won't let me fart."
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...
"Bastards won't let me fart."
GPS Over ride
*Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?
Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Friend #1: What's a GPS override?
Friend #2: My wife.*
Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Friend #1: What's a GPS override?
Friend #2: My wife.*
The Zen of Consumer Guidance Labels
*The Zen of Consumer Guidance Labels*
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE
MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP
UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION
FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -LIE DOWN ON
BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD
INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP
QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE
BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
DETAILS INSIDE.
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN
UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE
ONLY.
17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT
NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR
GENITALS.
21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE
YOU TO FLY.
22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE
MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE
MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP
UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION
FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -LIE DOWN ON
BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD
INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP
QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE
BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
DETAILS INSIDE.
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN
UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE
ONLY.
17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT
NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR
GENITALS.
21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE
YOU TO FLY.
22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE
MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
Safeway
A new Safeway Supermarket just opened in Colorado Springs. It has an
automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the
distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the
scent
of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and
brauts.
In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Bud Lite.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air
is
filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread &
cookies.
*I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.*
automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the
distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the
scent
of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and
brauts.
In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Bud Lite.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air
is
filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread &
cookies.
*I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.*
On a ship with sardar
On a ship an American, a Russian, and an Indian (sardar) were sailing. Suddenly a devil appeared and said, "Drop something in the sea, if I find it I will eat you... If I cant then I will be your slave!"
American dropped a diamond... Devil found it and ate him. Russian dropped small platinum piece... Devil found it and ate him too.
Now its sardarji's turn. Before knowing what sardar did,take a moment to think what would you do if you
were in place of sardar.
--
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Lets see if your thought meets with sardar?
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Scroll down for the answer
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--
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Sardar opened a water bottle and poured some water in the sea and asked to find it
Devil fainted!!
Wow!!!!!! what an Idea SARDAR JI
American dropped a diamond... Devil found it and ate him. Russian dropped small platinum piece... Devil found it and ate him too.
Now its sardarji's turn. Before knowing what sardar did,take a moment to think what would you do if you
were in place of sardar.
--
-
-
-
-
-
Lets see if your thought meets with sardar?
-
-
-
-
-
Scroll down for the answer
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Sardar opened a water bottle and poured some water in the sea and asked to find it
Devil fainted!!
Wow!!!!!! what an Idea SARDAR JI
Sukhadi
Doctor: Aapke 2 daant kaise tut gaye?
Patient: Kyonki wife ne banayi thi sukhadi!
Doctor: To khane se mana kar dena tha na!
Patient: Phir to 32 ke 32 tut gaye hote!
Patient: Kyonki wife ne banayi thi sukhadi!
Doctor: To khane se mana kar dena tha na!
Patient: Phir to 32 ke 32 tut gaye hote!
Why men wear
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is
curious
about his sudden change in "fashion sense"
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity
prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
*(I always wondered how this trend got started)*
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is
curious
about his sudden change in "fashion sense"
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity
prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
*(I always wondered how this trend got started)*
LIFE IS DOG:
LIFE IS DOG:
School life= Paltu kutte,
College life= Awara kutte,
Service Life= Khujli wale Kutte,
Married LiFe= Wafadar kutte,
Old Age= Pehredar Kutte.
School life= Paltu kutte,
College life= Awara kutte,
Service Life= Khujli wale Kutte,
Married LiFe= Wafadar kutte,
Old Age= Pehredar Kutte.
Indian Jews
Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Indian restaurant in New York. Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India ?'
Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'
The waiter said, 'I doont be knowing, I ask cooksaheb..' He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.'
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to
believe that there are no Jews in India . Our people are scattered
everywhere.'
The waiter returned and said, 'Cooksaheb say there is no Indian Jews.'
'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!'
'Chodu ! cccListen, I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter.
'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Cococnut Jews & Tomato Jews! -
No Indian Jews !!!
Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'
The waiter said, 'I doont be knowing, I ask cooksaheb..' He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.'
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to
believe that there are no Jews in India . Our people are scattered
everywhere.'
The waiter returned and said, 'Cooksaheb say there is no Indian Jews.'
'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!'
'Chodu ! cccListen, I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter.
'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Cococnut Jews & Tomato Jews! -
No Indian Jews !!!
Home-Cooked Date
Home-Cooked Date
Dinesh Vora
Lalwa met his close friend Dadwa for guidance, and narrated to him that he
recently met a girl of his dreams. He asked Dadwa’s advise as to how
should he proceed now!
So wise Dadwa said, "Well Send her roses, and on the name card invite her
for a home-cooked meal."
Lalwa liked the idea, so he invited the woman.
Next day after the dinner Dadwa called Lalwa and asked him how did the
home-cooked dinner go.
Lalwa cried, "It flopped."
Dadwa asked, "Why? Didn't the girl come at your house?"
Lalwa said, "She came, but she refused to cook and left angrily!"
Dinesh Vora
Lalwa met his close friend Dadwa for guidance, and narrated to him that he
recently met a girl of his dreams. He asked Dadwa’s advise as to how
should he proceed now!
So wise Dadwa said, "Well Send her roses, and on the name card invite her
for a home-cooked meal."
Lalwa liked the idea, so he invited the woman.
Next day after the dinner Dadwa called Lalwa and asked him how did the
home-cooked dinner go.
Lalwa cried, "It flopped."
Dadwa asked, "Why? Didn't the girl come at your house?"
Lalwa said, "She came, but she refused to cook and left angrily!"
KILLING A KILLER
KILLING A KILLER
Dinesh Vora
An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine
traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him.
The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at
close range.
Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A state-wide manhunt ensued.
The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area and as soon as he took a
shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68
times.
Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the
poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.
Polk county Florida Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel:
'Because that's all the ammunition we had.'
Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what?
The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes.
When asked by a reporter how that could be that he died of natural causes
when there were 68 bullet wounds in his body.
Coroner replied, "When you are shot 68 times you are naturally going to
die."
That's an even better answer.
fit
"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every
morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups, and walk two miles. I'm fit as a
fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't
stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going
to celebrate my 95th birthday!"
"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
Humor: Ram Janana Bhoomi
It's good that RAM gets some part of the land, because now…. SITA is
running a travel agency, MARUTI is making cars, LAXMAN might retire
after the series against Australia, SHATRUGHNA has joined BJP,
RAAVAN is already a commercial flop and there is PEACE IN LANKA!!!
running a travel agency, MARUTI is making cars, LAXMAN might retire
after the series against Australia, SHATRUGHNA has joined BJP,
RAAVAN is already a commercial flop and there is PEACE IN LANKA!!!
If Lion goes Onsite!!!!
If Lion goes Onsite….
In a poor zoo of India , a lion was frustrated as he was offered not
more than 1 kg meat a day.
The lion thought its prayers were answered when one US Zoo Manager
visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to
the US Zoo.
The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c
environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card also. On its
first day after arrival,the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very
nicely for breakfast.
The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained
few bananas. Then the lion thought that maybe they cared too much for
him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted
from India .
The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same
food bag of bananas was delivered.
The lion was so furious, he stopped the delivery boy and blasted at
him, 'Don't you know I am the lion...king of the Jungle..., what's
wrong with your management?, what nonsense is this?, why are you
delivering bananas to me?'
The delivery boy politely said, 'Sir, I know you are the king of the
jungle but .. Did you know that you have been brought here on a
monkey's visa !!!!!'
Moral of Story : Better to be a Lion in India than a Monkey elsewhere !!!
In a poor zoo of India , a lion was frustrated as he was offered not
more than 1 kg meat a day.
The lion thought its prayers were answered when one US Zoo Manager
visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to
the US Zoo.
The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c
environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card also. On its
first day after arrival,the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very
nicely for breakfast.
The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained
few bananas. Then the lion thought that maybe they cared too much for
him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted
from India .
The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same
food bag of bananas was delivered.
The lion was so furious, he stopped the delivery boy and blasted at
him, 'Don't you know I am the lion...king of the Jungle..., what's
wrong with your management?, what nonsense is this?, why are you
delivering bananas to me?'
The delivery boy politely said, 'Sir, I know you are the king of the
jungle but .. Did you know that you have been brought here on a
monkey's visa !!!!!'
Moral of Story : Better to be a Lion in India than a Monkey elsewhere !!!
very smart
One day in a school in London, a teacher said to a class of 5-year-olds
I'll give 10 pounds to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who
ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Paddy, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Then a Jewish boy put his hand up and said "David",
The Buddhist boy said "Gautama Buddha" and the Muslim boy said "Mohammed".
They all were not successful. Finally, a Gujju boy raised his hand and said, "It
was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jignesh, come up here and I'll give
you the 10 pounds that I promised."
As the teacher was giving Jignesh his money, she said, "You know Jignesh, since
you're a Hindu Gujarati; I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Jignesh replied, "Yes. In my heart I knew it was Krishna, but Bijness is
Bijness!!!!! !
Moral : Talk the language which listener (Customer) wants, not that which you
know.
I'll give 10 pounds to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who
ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Paddy, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Then a Jewish boy put his hand up and said "David",
The Buddhist boy said "Gautama Buddha" and the Muslim boy said "Mohammed".
They all were not successful. Finally, a Gujju boy raised his hand and said, "It
was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jignesh, come up here and I'll give
you the 10 pounds that I promised."
As the teacher was giving Jignesh his money, she said, "You know Jignesh, since
you're a Hindu Gujarati; I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Jignesh replied, "Yes. In my heart I knew it was Krishna, but Bijness is
Bijness!!!!! !
Moral : Talk the language which listener (Customer) wants, not that which you
know.
Working together. ... Developer, Tester and Manager.
Forgiving or punishing the terrorists is left to God. But, fixing
their appointment with God is our responsibility
- Indian Army
Updated statement for this in S/W INDUSTRY........
Forgiving or punishing the Developer is left to Manager. But, fixing
their appointment with Manager is our responsibility
- Tester
We all knew that..... but this one is for the finishing touch.
Forgiving or punishing the Manager is left to Client. But, fixing
their appointment with Client is our responsibility.
- Developer
their appointment with God is our responsibility
- Indian Army
Updated statement for this in S/W INDUSTRY........
Forgiving or punishing the Developer is left to Manager. But, fixing
their appointment with Manager is our responsibility
- Tester
We all knew that..... but this one is for the finishing touch.
Forgiving or punishing the Manager is left to Client. But, fixing
their appointment with Client is our responsibility.
- Developer
Testing Team vs Development Team
How Testing Team(Roshan D'Mello) frustrates Development Team (Mukesh Thakur)
Roshan D'Mello: Hey Mukesh, there is a bug in your code. Type a text
in user name text box and press enter. Beep sound doesn't appear.
Mukesh Thakur: How can that be a bug? There is no requirement that
beep sound should come. Anyway, I will assign it to offshore and get
it fixed.
After 2 days,
Mukesh Thakur: Roshan, bug is fixed. Please verify.
After another 2 days,
Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug because sound is not coming
in some PCs. Sound is coming in my machine, but my colleague Rajat
Choudhry is not getting the sound.
After another 2 days,
Mukesh Thakur: Not a bug. I observed that your friend Rajat Choudhry
has old IBM machine. Unlike your DELL machine, IBM machines do not
have inbuilt speakers. So, to hear the sound in Rajat Choudhry's
machine, please use head phones and then get the bug closed soon.
Another 2 days,
Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug because sound tone is
different across different machines. Sound is coming as 'BEEP' in my
machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry who is having IBM machine is
getting the sound as 'TONG'.
Mukesh Thakur: Not a bug. Get lost man. What can we do for the bug?
The two machines are built in such a way that they produce different
sounds. Do you expect the developers to rebuild the IBM processors to
make them uniform? Please close it.
Another 2 days,
Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug because intensity of beep
sound produced on 2 different DELL machines is different. My machine
produces beep sound of intensity 10 decibels whereas my friend's
machine produces sound worth 20 decibels. Fix your code to make the
sound uniform across all machines.
Another 2 days later,
Mukesh Thakur: Once again it is not a bug. I have noticed that the
volume set is different on the two machines. Ensure that volume is
same in both the machines before I get mad and then close the bug.
Another 2 days,
Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug.
Mukesh Thakur: What ?? Why? What more stupid reasons can be there for
re-opening?
Roshan D'Mello: Sound intensity is different for machines placed at
different locations (different buildings). So, I have re-opened it.
After 2 days,
Mukesh Thakur: I have made some scientists do an acoustical analysis
of the two buildings you used for testing. They have observed that the
acoustics in the two buildings varies to a large extent. That is why
sound intensity is different across the 2 buildings. So, I beg you to
please close the bugs.
After 1 year
Roshan D'Mello: I am re-opeing the bug. During the year, I requested
the clients to arrange architects to build two buildings with same
acoustical features, so that I can test it again. Now, when I tested,
I found that intensity of sound still varying. So, I am re-opening the
defect.
Mukesh Thakur: GROWLLLL…..I am really mad now. I am sure that the
sound waves of the two buildings are getting distorted due to some
background noice or something. Now I need to waste time to prove that
it is because of background noice.
Roshan D'Mello: No need for that. We will put the machines and run
them in vacuum and see.
Mukesh Thakur: (not alive)
Roshan D'Mello: Hey Mukesh, there is a bug in your code. Type a text
in user name text box and press enter. Beep sound doesn't appear.
Mukesh Thakur: How can that be a bug? There is no requirement that
beep sound should come. Anyway, I will assign it to offshore and get
it fixed.
After 2 days,
Mukesh Thakur: Roshan, bug is fixed. Please verify.
After another 2 days,
Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug because sound is not coming
in some PCs. Sound is coming in my machine, but my colleague Rajat
Choudhry is not getting the sound.
After another 2 days,
Mukesh Thakur: Not a bug. I observed that your friend Rajat Choudhry
has old IBM machine. Unlike your DELL machine, IBM machines do not
have inbuilt speakers. So, to hear the sound in Rajat Choudhry's
machine, please use head phones and then get the bug closed soon.
Another 2 days,
Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug because sound tone is
different across different machines. Sound is coming as 'BEEP' in my
machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry who is having IBM machine is
getting the sound as 'TONG'.
Mukesh Thakur: Not a bug. Get lost man. What can we do for the bug?
The two machines are built in such a way that they produce different
sounds. Do you expect the developers to rebuild the IBM processors to
make them uniform? Please close it.
Another 2 days,
Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug because intensity of beep
sound produced on 2 different DELL machines is different. My machine
produces beep sound of intensity 10 decibels whereas my friend's
machine produces sound worth 20 decibels. Fix your code to make the
sound uniform across all machines.
Another 2 days later,
Mukesh Thakur: Once again it is not a bug. I have noticed that the
volume set is different on the two machines. Ensure that volume is
same in both the machines before I get mad and then close the bug.
Another 2 days,
Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug.
Mukesh Thakur: What ?? Why? What more stupid reasons can be there for
re-opening?
Roshan D'Mello: Sound intensity is different for machines placed at
different locations (different buildings). So, I have re-opened it.
After 2 days,
Mukesh Thakur: I have made some scientists do an acoustical analysis
of the two buildings you used for testing. They have observed that the
acoustics in the two buildings varies to a large extent. That is why
sound intensity is different across the 2 buildings. So, I beg you to
please close the bugs.
After 1 year
Roshan D'Mello: I am re-opeing the bug. During the year, I requested
the clients to arrange architects to build two buildings with same
acoustical features, so that I can test it again. Now, when I tested,
I found that intensity of sound still varying. So, I am re-opening the
defect.
Mukesh Thakur: GROWLLLL…..I am really mad now. I am sure that the
sound waves of the two buildings are getting distorted due to some
background noice or something. Now I need to waste time to prove that
it is because of background noice.
Roshan D'Mello: No need for that. We will put the machines and run
them in vacuum and see.
Mukesh Thakur: (not alive)
Five Don'ts When You're Sleeping
Five Don'ts When You're Sleeping
1 - DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCHWatches can emit a certain level of radioactivity.
Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed for a long time, it might have
adverse effects on your health.
2 - DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONEPutting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you
is not encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please
put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items
including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These
waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put
your MO! Bile phone near you, switch it off first.
3 - DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UPPeople who sleep with make up might have skin
problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have
difficulty in breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much
longer time to go into deep sleep.
4 - DON'T SLEEP WITH BRAScientists in America have discovered those that wear
bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go
to bed without it.
Lastly.....
5 - DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE OR HUSBANDYou may never wake up again. : )
1 - DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCHWatches can emit a certain level of radioactivity.
Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed for a long time, it might have
adverse effects on your health.
2 - DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONEPutting the phone beside your bed or anywhere near you
is not encouraged. Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks, but please
put the phone as far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items
including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used. These
waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system. Therefore if you need to put
your MO! Bile phone near you, switch it off first.
3 - DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UPPeople who sleep with make up might have skin
problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have
difficulty in breathing and problem in perspiring. You will also need a much
longer time to go into deep sleep.
4 - DON'T SLEEP WITH BRAScientists in America have discovered those that wear
bras for more than 12 hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. So go
to bed without it.
Lastly.....
5 - DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE OR HUSBANDYou may never wake up again. : )
blonde men dollar
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"
He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"
He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
Young Men VS Old Men
Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?
Old Man: Certainly not.
Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to lose,if You tell me the time?
Old Man: Yes, I may lose something if I tell you the time. Young Man: But Sir,
can you tell me how?
Old Man: See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and maybe
tomorrow again you will ask me the time. Young Man: Quite possible.
Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and
address. Young Man: Quite possible.
Old Man: Oneday you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and
cameinto wish me. Then as a courtsey, I will offer you a cup of tea. Aftermy
courteous approach you will try to come again.This time you willappreciate tea
and ask who has made it.? Young Man: Possible
Old Man: ThenI will tell you that my daughter has and I will then have to
introducemy young and pretty daughter to you & you will admire my
daughter. Young Man: Smiles.
Old Man: Nowonwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You
willoffer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you. Young
Man: Smiles
Old Man: Mydaughter may start liking you and start waiting for you. After
meetingregularly you will fall in love with her and propose her for
marriage. Young Man: Smiles
Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask
for my permission. Young Man: Oh Yes! And smiles
Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my daughter to a person like
you who does not even own a watch.
Old Man: Certainly not.
Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to lose,if You tell me the time?
Old Man: Yes, I may lose something if I tell you the time. Young Man: But Sir,
can you tell me how?
Old Man: See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and maybe
tomorrow again you will ask me the time. Young Man: Quite possible.
Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and
address. Young Man: Quite possible.
Old Man: Oneday you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and
cameinto wish me. Then as a courtsey, I will offer you a cup of tea. Aftermy
courteous approach you will try to come again.This time you willappreciate tea
and ask who has made it.? Young Man: Possible
Old Man: ThenI will tell you that my daughter has and I will then have to
introducemy young and pretty daughter to you & you will admire my
daughter. Young Man: Smiles.
Old Man: Nowonwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You
willoffer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you. Young
Man: Smiles
Old Man: Mydaughter may start liking you and start waiting for you. After
meetingregularly you will fall in love with her and propose her for
marriage. Young Man: Smiles
Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask
for my permission. Young Man: Oh Yes! And smiles
Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my daughter to a person like
you who does not even own a watch.
London Fire
In a run-down part of East London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey
house that had been divided into four flats.
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats
lived on the first floor...all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived
on the second floor...they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and
living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.
But the middle aged Muhindi couple from Kenya who lived on the top floor
miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists,
black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at
the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the Muhindi
couple from Kenya saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that
systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions
were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story
and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would
be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had
completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial
assessment to be available within the next 36 hours – so perhaps it would be
best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he
commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to
intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch
with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the
Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local
chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV
had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle
of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and
Albanians all died in the fire and only the Muhindi couple from Kenya lived.
house that had been divided into four flats.
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats
lived on the first floor...all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived
on the second floor...they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and
living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.
But the middle aged Muhindi couple from Kenya who lived on the top floor
miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists,
black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at
the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the Muhindi
couple from Kenya saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that
systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions
were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story
and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would
be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had
completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial
assessment to be available within the next 36 hours – so perhaps it would be
best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he
commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to
intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch
with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the
Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local
chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV
had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle
of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and
Albanians all died in the fire and only the Muhindi couple from Kenya lived.
One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied,
"Because they were both at work."
"Because they were both at work."
General Equations & Statistics
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never
worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who
makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can
find such a man.
- *HAPPINESS* *To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.*
- *LONGEVITY* *Married men live longer than single men, but married
men are a lot more willing to die.*
- *PROPENSITY TO CHANGE* *A woman marries a man expecting he will
change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change, and she does.*
- *DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE* *A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.*
- *HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED* *Old
aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing
to them at funerals*.
worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who
makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can
find such a man.
- *HAPPINESS* *To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.*
- *LONGEVITY* *Married men live longer than single men, but married
men are a lot more willing to die.*
- *PROPENSITY TO CHANGE* *A woman marries a man expecting he will
change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change, and she does.*
- *DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE* *A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.*
- *HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED* *Old
aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing
to them at funerals*.
Man will be always man
Man will be always man .
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the
wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen started
talking, one said, "Last night we dined at a new restaurant and it was
absolutely great."
The other man said, "Really? Well, what's the restaurant's name?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that
flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has
thorns."
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and
yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the
wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen started
talking, one said, "Last night we dined at a new restaurant and it was
absolutely great."
The other man said, "Really? Well, what's the restaurant's name?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that
flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has
thorns."
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and
yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Serious advice about coffee
Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the
Department of Health & the RTA indicates that 23% of traffic accidents
are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just
drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and shit like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three
times as many accidents.--
Department of Health & the RTA indicates that 23% of traffic accidents
are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just
drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and shit like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three
times as many accidents.--
BAKWAAS BANDH KAR
Hope You guys Like This.
Please read at your own risk !!!!!! J
Brad Pitt and Vidya Balan get married
After marriage, lots of students gather at their home ..... why ???
...
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
because her name becomes Vidya Pitt (vidyapeeth)
Please read at your own risk !!!!!! J
Brad Pitt and Vidya Balan get married
After marriage, lots of students gather at their home ..... why ???
...
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
because her name becomes Vidya Pitt (vidyapeeth)
Snappy Comeback Lines
"Did you take a bath?"
"Why, Is there one missing?"
"Are you chewing gum?"
"No, I'm John Smith."
"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"
"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"
"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"
"Do you say a prayer before you eat?"
"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."
"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."
"Who wants to eat friends?"
"We are having mother for dinner, darling."
"Make sure she's well done."
"I want some rat poison."
"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"
"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."
"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."
"May I hold your hand?"
"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."
"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"
"No, sir, only when it rains."
"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"
"Why? Is it tilted?"
"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"
"No, you'll have to walk"
"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
"But why? My wife isn't dangerous."
"I have changed! my mind."
"Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"
"Would you like your coffee black?"
"What other colors do you have?"
"Why, Is there one missing?"
"Are you chewing gum?"
"No, I'm John Smith."
"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"
"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"
"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"
"Do you say a prayer before you eat?"
"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."
"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."
"Who wants to eat friends?"
"We are having mother for dinner, darling."
"Make sure she's well done."
"I want some rat poison."
"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"
"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."
"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."
"May I hold your hand?"
"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."
"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"
"No, sir, only when it rains."
"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"
"Why? Is it tilted?"
"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"
"No, you'll have to walk"
"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
"But why? My wife isn't dangerous."
"I have changed! my mind."
"Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"
"Would you like your coffee black?"
"What other colors do you have?"
5 Toughest Questions Women Ask
Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask...
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an
article in an issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask...
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an
article in an issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode
into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly,
which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is,
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a
lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance
what so ever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most
likely one of five things:
a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came
from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If
I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those
guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong
answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave
the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an
ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a
traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct
response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5th......
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event
of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would
perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck
that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is
illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the
husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear"
he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and
replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her
play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an
article in an issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask...
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an
article in an issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode
into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly,
which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is,
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a
lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance
what so ever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most
likely one of five things:
a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came
from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If
I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those
guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong
answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave
the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an
ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a
traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct
response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5th......
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event
of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would
perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck
that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is
illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the
husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear"
he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and
replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her
play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
Merry Christmas to my female friends
*Merry Christmas
To My Female Friends*
*If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.*
*I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.*
*I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.*
*I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy! ! Spells,
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.*
*No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes,
No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny,
From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.*
*You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid,
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.*
*I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle,
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me,
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.*
*I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older, this wish is sincere,
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.*
To My Female Friends*
*If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.*
*I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.*
*I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.*
*I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy! ! Spells,
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.*
*No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes,
No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny,
From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.*
*You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid,
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.*
*I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle,
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me,
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.*
*I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older, this wish is sincere,
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.*
Sms krne k 4fayde
1-mobile me jang nhi lgta.
2-time pas ho jata hai.
3-jise sms kro wo khus ho jata hai.
4- kaun kaun kanjus hai pata chal jata hai
2-time pas ho jata hai.
3-jise sms kro wo khus ho jata hai.
4- kaun kaun kanjus hai pata chal jata hai
Being faithful
*Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful
to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one
later about the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about
people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his
mistress when she mentioned the woman. "Oh, that woman slept with nearly
every man on the ship!" his wife reported. Unhappy with this information,
Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question
her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew. Once again, he
carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that
they had met. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. Gary's spirits
picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked. "She came on board with her
husband and never left his side."*
to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one
later about the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about
people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his
mistress when she mentioned the woman. "Oh, that woman slept with nearly
every man on the ship!" his wife reported. Unhappy with this information,
Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question
her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew. Once again, he
carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that
they had met. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. Gary's spirits
picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked. "She came on board with her
husband and never left his side."*
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