At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his first witness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say about anybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, and everybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators in the courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to his bench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
Friday, January 14, 2011
A clean joke from courtroom
At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his first witness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say about anybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, and everybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators in the courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to his bench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say about anybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, and everybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators in the courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to his bench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
Thinking fast.....
A wealthy man went on a safari in Africa and took his faithful dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies, and before long he realized that he was lost.
Wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settled down to chew the bones with his back to the ferocious leopard.
Just as the big cat was about to leap, the dachshund said loudly Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halted in mid-stride, a look of terror came over him, and he slunk away into the trees.
"Whew," said the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans, and struck a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving weinerschnitzel."
Now the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thought, "Uh oh! What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, he down with his back to his attackers and pretended he didn't see them.
When they were close, the dachshund said, "Now where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
Wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settled down to chew the bones with his back to the ferocious leopard.
Just as the big cat was about to leap, the dachshund said loudly Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halted in mid-stride, a look of terror came over him, and he slunk away into the trees.
"Whew," said the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans, and struck a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving weinerschnitzel."
Now the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thought, "Uh oh! What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, he down with his back to his attackers and pretended he didn't see them.
When they were close, the dachshund said, "Now where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
wind and the priest
A priest is playing golf, followed by his devoted
caddie. He takes a swing and hits the ball. But
while in the air, the wind starts to blow and the
balls falls in a lake. The priest, very mad,
says, "damn wind!!"
The caddie, surprised, says, "Sir, please, why did you say such profanity?
The priest asks the caddie to forgive him, gets
on his knees and prays for forgiveness from God.
A little later, the priest hits another good
drive. Again, the wind starts to blow and this
time the ball falls in the woods. The priest
sighs and again, says : "damn wind!!"
The caddie, just as surprised as the first time,
says, "Sir, please, do stop saying such
profanity!"
The priest then looks at his caddie, and raises
his hands towards the sky, asking God to forgive
him.
Suddenly, the sky covers with grey and dark
clouds, there's a clap of thunder, and a
lightning bolt strikes the caddie to death. The
priest, not believing his eyes, falls to his
knees and screams to the sky : "Oh Lord, what has
this poor man done to make you so mad? God, I am
the one who sinned! My poor caddie did not
deserve such a death!"
Then, a loud roar came from the sky. The priest
hid his head under his arms, scared of dying,
only to hear a loud voice say, "damn wind!!!!"
caddie. He takes a swing and hits the ball. But
while in the air, the wind starts to blow and the
balls falls in a lake. The priest, very mad,
says, "damn wind!!"
The caddie, surprised, says, "Sir, please, why did you say such profanity?
The priest asks the caddie to forgive him, gets
on his knees and prays for forgiveness from God.
A little later, the priest hits another good
drive. Again, the wind starts to blow and this
time the ball falls in the woods. The priest
sighs and again, says : "damn wind!!"
The caddie, just as surprised as the first time,
says, "Sir, please, do stop saying such
profanity!"
The priest then looks at his caddie, and raises
his hands towards the sky, asking God to forgive
him.
Suddenly, the sky covers with grey and dark
clouds, there's a clap of thunder, and a
lightning bolt strikes the caddie to death. The
priest, not believing his eyes, falls to his
knees and screams to the sky : "Oh Lord, what has
this poor man done to make you so mad? God, I am
the one who sinned! My poor caddie did not
deserve such a death!"
Then, a loud roar came from the sky. The priest
hid his head under his arms, scared of dying,
only to hear a loud voice say, "damn wind!!!!"
Christian pick up lines
CHRISTIAN PICK UP LINES
1) Nice Bible.
2) I would like to pray with you.
3) You know Jesus? Me too.
4) God told me to come talk to you.
5) I know a church where we could go and talk.
6) How about a hug, sister?
7) Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy.
8) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug.
9) Oh you're cold. Ecclesiastes 4:11
10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a Bible study?
12) I am here for you.
13) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the
hungry," how about dinner?
14) You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.
15) You want to come over and watch The 10 Commandments tonight?
16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my
heart and wait on hand and too?
18) Nice bracelet. What would Jesus date? I mean "do."
19) Do you believe in Divine appointment?
20) Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?
21) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
22) My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really
nice person. I think you know him. 'Jesus?' yeah, that's his name.
23) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated
a Christian.
24) Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath.
25) What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace in the dark.
26) We have to hold hands when we pray so the circle won't be broken.
27) God has used you to teach me what true love really is.
28) Christians kiss before parting...it's an old Jewish tradition.
1) Nice Bible.
2) I would like to pray with you.
3) You know Jesus? Me too.
4) God told me to come talk to you.
5) I know a church where we could go and talk.
6) How about a hug, sister?
7) Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy.
8) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug.
9) Oh you're cold. Ecclesiastes 4:11
10) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
11) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a Bible study?
12) I am here for you.
13) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the
hungry," how about dinner?
14) You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.
15) You want to come over and watch The 10 Commandments tonight?
16) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
17) Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my
heart and wait on hand and too?
18) Nice bracelet. What would Jesus date? I mean "do."
19) Do you believe in Divine appointment?
20) Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?
21) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
22) My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really
nice person. I think you know him. 'Jesus?' yeah, that's his name.
23) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated
a Christian.
24) Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath.
25) What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace in the dark.
26) We have to hold hands when we pray so the circle won't be broken.
27) God has used you to teach me what true love really is.
28) Christians kiss before parting...it's an old Jewish tradition.
Which news do you want to hear first?
*A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
the lawyer asked.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" the man asked incredulously.
"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"It's of you and your mistress."*
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
the lawyer asked.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" the man asked incredulously.
"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"It's of you and your mistress."*
My appendicitis
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four
passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will
show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out
of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you
my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar
bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their
coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I
was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points
outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's
the hospital where I had it done!"
passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will
show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out
of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you
my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar
bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their
coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I
was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points
outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's
the hospital where I had it done!"
sharks
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.
"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to
the ship. "First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip
of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our
fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat
them all at first? Why did we swim around them? " *
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit
inside!"
"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to
the ship. "First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip
of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our
fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat
them all at first? Why did we swim around them? " *
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit
inside!"
Nurse Jenny
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny.
"She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one
doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet
every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a
patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!
The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!"
said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's
boil!"
"She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one
doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet
every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a
patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!
The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!"
said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's
boil!"
true true
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.
When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.
"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.
"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
7 ways to catch a lion
jatin wrote ;-
1. Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is equal and opposite reaction.
Implies you caught lion .
2. Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also
run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.
3. Schrodinger Method:
At any given moment, there is a positive probability
that lion to be in the cage.
So set the trap, sit down and wait!
4. Inverse Transformation Method
We place a spherical cage in the forest
and enter it.
Perform an inverse transformation with
respect to lion.
Lion is in and we are out.
5. Thermodynamic Procedure:
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows
every thing to pass it except lions.
Then sweep the entire forest with it.
6. Integration Differention Method:
Integrate the forest over the entire area.
The lion is some where in the result.
So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion
to trace out the lion.
7. The Banta's Method:
DON'T EVEN TRY. YOU'LL GET CAUGHT BY THE LION.
1. Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is equal and opposite reaction.
Implies you caught lion .
2. Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also
run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.
3. Schrodinger Method:
At any given moment, there is a positive probability
that lion to be in the cage.
So set the trap, sit down and wait!
4. Inverse Transformation Method
We place a spherical cage in the forest
and enter it.
Perform an inverse transformation with
respect to lion.
Lion is in and we are out.
5. Thermodynamic Procedure:
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows
every thing to pass it except lions.
Then sweep the entire forest with it.
6. Integration Differention Method:
Integrate the forest over the entire area.
The lion is some where in the result.
So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion
to trace out the lion.
7. The Banta's Method:
DON'T EVEN TRY. YOU'LL GET CAUGHT BY THE LION.
A waste suicide
A
blonde, socially ridiculed decided to hang herself from a tree in the park and
commit suicide.
�
A little
bit later, an old lady walked around noticed her hanging from the rope and
swinging.
�
She
asked her what she was doing and if she needed any help.
�
The blonde
firmly replied, "I am committing suicide by hanging."
�
The old
lady says, "You are doing it wrong sweetie, put the noose around your neck not
the Waist."
�
The blonde
responses, "Ya giving me trouble again, I tried that, "but I could not
breathe."
blonde, socially ridiculed decided to hang herself from a tree in the park and
commit suicide.
�
A little
bit later, an old lady walked around noticed her hanging from the rope and
swinging.
�
She
asked her what she was doing and if she needed any help.
�
The blonde
firmly replied, "I am committing suicide by hanging."
�
The old
lady says, "You are doing it wrong sweetie, put the noose around your neck not
the Waist."
�
The blonde
responses, "Ya giving me trouble again, I tried that, "but I could not
breathe."
moral of the story.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
Love You Lawyer
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.
He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove
satisfactory TITLE to a parcel of property being offered
as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803,
which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, the Lawyer
received the following response.
(Actual reply from FHA) :
" Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan
application, we note that the request is supported by an
Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner
in which you have prepared and presented the application,
we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property only back to 1803. Before
final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to
establish clear the title of the property back to its ORIGIN. "
Truly annoyed, the Lawyer responded as follows :
(Actual response):
" Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been
received. I note that you wish to have the title search
extended further than the 206 years covered by the
present application. I was unaware that any educated
person in this country, particularly those working in the
properties department, would not know that Louisiana
was purchased by the United States from France in 1803,
the year of origin as identified in our original application.
For edification of apparently ingnorant FHA bureaucrats,
the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained
from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest
from the Royal Monarchy of Spain .
The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of
Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named
Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the exclusive
privilege of seeking a new route to India by the ruling
Spanish Monarch, Her Highness Queen Isabella of Spain.
The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost
as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of
securing the blessings of His Eminence, The Pope, before
she sold her precious crown jewels to finance Columbus's
expedition - thus establishing payment of price for acquisition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you ( or someone in the FHA ) may
possibly know, is the official acknowledged emissary of Lord
Jesus Christ, the Son of GOD, ... and GOD, as it is commonly
accepted, created this World.
Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made
this part of the world called Louisiana. GOD, therefore, would
be the ORIGINAL rightful Owner and His origins date back to
before the beginning of Time, the World as we know it, and the
FHA. I hope you find God's original title to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have that *@#+~%* Loan ?"
The loan was immediately approved.
He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove
satisfactory TITLE to a parcel of property being offered
as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803,
which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, the Lawyer
received the following response.
(Actual reply from FHA) :
" Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan
application, we note that the request is supported by an
Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner
in which you have prepared and presented the application,
we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property only back to 1803. Before
final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to
establish clear the title of the property back to its ORIGIN. "
Truly annoyed, the Lawyer responded as follows :
(Actual response):
" Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been
received. I note that you wish to have the title search
extended further than the 206 years covered by the
present application. I was unaware that any educated
person in this country, particularly those working in the
properties department, would not know that Louisiana
was purchased by the United States from France in 1803,
the year of origin as identified in our original application.
For edification of apparently ingnorant FHA bureaucrats,
the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained
from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest
from the Royal Monarchy of Spain .
The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of
Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named
Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the exclusive
privilege of seeking a new route to India by the ruling
Spanish Monarch, Her Highness Queen Isabella of Spain.
The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost
as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of
securing the blessings of His Eminence, The Pope, before
she sold her precious crown jewels to finance Columbus's
expedition - thus establishing payment of price for acquisition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you ( or someone in the FHA ) may
possibly know, is the official acknowledged emissary of Lord
Jesus Christ, the Son of GOD, ... and GOD, as it is commonly
accepted, created this World.
Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made
this part of the world called Louisiana. GOD, therefore, would
be the ORIGINAL rightful Owner and His origins date back to
before the beginning of Time, the World as we know it, and the
FHA. I hope you find God's original title to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have that *@#+~%* Loan ?"
The loan was immediately approved.
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead
chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space
shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the
frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of
the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made,and a gun
was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled
out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to
smithereens,blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's
back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an
arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for
suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo --
"Defrost the chicken."
(True Story)
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead
chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space
shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the
frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of
the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made,and a gun
was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled
out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to
smithereens,blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's
back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an
arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for
suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo --
"Defrost the chicken."
(True Story)
Khuda ka address
Ek fakir bhik maangne ke liye masjid ke baahar baitha raha...
Sab namaazi aankh bacha kar chale gaye ... usey kuch na mila ...
woh phir church gaya , phir mandir aur phir gurudware ...
lekin usko kissi ne kuch na diya ...
Aakhir ek maikhane (BAR / PUB) ke baahar aakar baith gaya ...
jo sharabi nikalta uske katorey mein kuch daal deta ...
uska katora noton se bhar gaya ...
faqir bola,
"wah mere khuda... !!
rahaitey kahaan ho, aur address kahaan ka dete ho...."
favorite golf partner
On a busy Medical floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."
The doctor then began listing orders:
"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first."
"He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours."
"He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.
"Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day."
"Give range of motion every thirty minutes."
"He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour."
"Feed him something tasty every hour."
"Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.
"Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes."
"You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."
The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient.
The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live."
Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you
will have to learn a new sport."
The doctor then began listing orders:
"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first."
"He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours."
"He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.
"Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day."
"Give range of motion every thirty minutes."
"He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour."
"Feed him something tasty every hour."
"Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.
"Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes."
"You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."
The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient.
The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live."
Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you
will have to learn a new sport."
GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE
*GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE *
Good morning!
At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear
the beep.
beeeeeppp ...
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to
8:
If you need us to stay with the children, press 1
If you want to borrow the car, press 2
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 3
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 4
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 5
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your
home, press 6
If you want to come to eat here, press 7
If you need money, press 8
*If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater,
start talking ; *
*
we can hear you!*
Good morning!
At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear
the beep.
beeeeeppp ...
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to
8:
If you need us to stay with the children, press 1
If you want to borrow the car, press 2
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 3
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 4
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 5
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your
home, press 6
If you want to come to eat here, press 7
If you need money, press 8
*If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater,
start talking ; *
*
we can hear you!*
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