beat of the music

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately 
Needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my 
Gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, 
And noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

GRANDPARENTS

*1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes
of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she
applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma,
you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put
lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper
good-bye.... *

*2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He
asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a
moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"*

*3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the
children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,"Who was THAT?"*

*4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made
from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We
picked wild raspberries in the woods.." The little girl was wide-eyed,
taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you
sooner!"*

*5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,** "Grandma, do you know
how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how
are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.*

*6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her** grandfather' s word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he
asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."*

*7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her** colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was.
She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.
At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try
to figure out some of these, yourself!"*

*8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us
with flashlights. "*

*9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not
sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says** I'm 4 to
6."*

*10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother,
more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting, "
she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You
just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."*

*11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a** public servant," said a
teacher. The small boy wrote:*
*"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The** teacher took the lad
aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying
a child."*

*12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to** their home one day
when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck
was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They
use him to keep crowds back," said one child.. "No," said another. "He's
just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They
use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."*

*13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.** "Oh," he said, "she
lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when
we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."*

*14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things,
but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!*

*15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks,
and they blame their dog.*

*SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS, ALMOST GRANDPARENTS, OR HECK, SEND IT
EVERYONE.*

*IT WILL MAKE THEIR DAY!*

-----
A MAN is the head of the family, the WIFE is the neck. The neck turns the
head exactly the way it wants.

Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save
it for a special occasion. Today is special.

Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder, and, Your hand over my mouth

In a day when you don't come across any problems - you can be sure that you
are travelling on the wrong path - Swami Vivekananda

Aussies can get through anything

*During a recent flood in a small town, a young backpacker girl was perched
on top of a house with a boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the
water, they noticed an old hat go past.*
*

Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went
downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back.
They watched as it did this a number of times.

"Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes
downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream
and then it comes back again."

"Oh, that's nothing, it's only my dad," replied the boy. "This morning my
Mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today."*

Breaking news........Childbirth at 65........

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. 

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM !!'

Mallu jokes...........

1) What is the tax on a Mallu's income called?
  IngumDax

2) Where did the Malayali study?
  In the ko-liage.

3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?
  He is very bissi.

4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
  To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.

5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff?
  To yearn meney.

6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
  He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

7) How does a Malayali spell moon?
  MOON - Yem Woh, yet another Woh and Yen.

8) What is a Malayali management graduate called?
  Yem Bee Yae.

9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America?
    He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
    An Oto.

11) Where does he pray?
    In a Temble, Charch or a Maask.

12) Who is Bruce Lee's best friend ?
    A Malaya-Lee of coarse..

13) Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis don't werk hard?
    Kerala.

14) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
    Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi

15) Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait?
    He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say 'KEEP QUWAIT' 'KEEP QUWAIT'

16) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line?
    " Frem Tea Shopes To Koll Cenders, We Are Yevery Where "

17) Why aren't Mals included in hockey and football teams ?
    Coz Whenever they get a corner, they set up a tea shope.

18) Now pass it on to 5 Mals to get a free sample of kokanet oyil.

19) Pass it on 10 Mals to get a free pack of Benana Chibbs.

20) Pass it on to 15 Mals to get a set of BROGUN bones.....  :)

Ways to Maintain Insanity

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity . 

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something,Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 

5. Put Decaf In TheCoffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds" 

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 

8 . Don't use any punctuation 

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera. 

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme? 

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. 

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." 

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.... ... 



Send this e-mail to your friends to make them smile. 
It's called .....therapy 

Making a baby

Making a baby! 


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs.. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs.. Smith. 

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?' 

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' 
Mrs. Smithfainted