Age of speed

*This is an age of speed. *
**
*It is no wonder that the effects are seen in affairs of the heart. A
fellow meets a girl at cocktail time and before midnight they are engaged.
Next morning he presents her with the ring. That afternoon he buys her a
mink coat, a beautiful gown, nylon stockings, silk undies, and a revealing
silk negligee. And that same night everything is off.*

Man's 5 most feared questions

What are the five most feared questions

1. *What are you thinking about? *
2. *Do you love me? *
3. *Do I look fat? *
4. *Do you think she is prettier than me? *
5. *What would you do if I died?*

* *
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the
truth).

Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below along with
possible responses.

*Question 1: What are you thinking about?*

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit
pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,thoughtful,
caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most
likely is one of the following:
a. Nothing
b. Football
c. Jennifer Lopez
d. How fat you are
e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once
told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking
to
you."

*Question 2: Do you love me?*

The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
necessary: "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, sh*t loads
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter
e. Who, me?

*Question 3: Do I look fat?*

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.

*Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me?*

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.

*Question 5: What would you do if I died?*

A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari and
a boat".)

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up
questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.

WOMAN: ...silence...
MAN: Sh*t

Hell

Surely not true, but very amusing!

*HELL EXPLAINED BY A** **CHEMISTRY STUDENT* *

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid term.*

*
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, is why we now have
the pleasure* *
of enjoying it as well:*
*

**Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?* *

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle 's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. **

One student, however, wrote the following:* *

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in
the world today.* *

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we
look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle 's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.* *

This gives two possibilities: * *

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.* *

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?* *

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over! The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct..... .leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'*

*
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+*

-----
Quote of the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm,
she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.. If
you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.. If you give her a smile,
she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to
her.. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

extras

Enjoy life now-it has an expiration date !

Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight ?

Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.

There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way.

This is hilarious:

What to do in a flight when you have an annoying passenger sitting next to you ... 

1. Remove your laptop from the briefcase;

2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:

3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;

4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;

5. Access the Internet;

6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven:

7. Take a deep breath and open the site: 

http://www.myit- media.de/ the_end.html

 

 <http://www.myit- media.de/ the_end.html

 

> 

8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you..

Have a good trip.

Husband and Wife Jokes!!!!!

1) Wife:   Aapko meri khoobsurat i zayada achi lagti hay ya aqalmandi..?

Husband:    Mujhey to tumhari ye mazaaq ki aadat bohot achi Lagti Hay... 
************ **

2) Husband:    Malang baba, meri biwi bohot 

pareshan karti hai, Koi hal batao.
Malang:    Beta, hal hota to mein malang kiu banta..?
************ **

3) Ek sahab dosray sahab se:   Bhai ye khushiyan kiya hoti hen?
Dosray sahab:    Pata nahi bhai, meri to kum umar me hi shadi ho gaii thi.
************ **

4) Wife:    Main bazar ja rahi hoon, 
mujhe 50 Rupay ki zaroorrat hai!

Husband (ghusay se):    Tumhen Rupay se ziada aqal ki zaroorat hai!

Wife:    Aapse wohi cheez mangi hai, jo aap k pass mojood hai! 
************ **

5) wife aur Husband Mazaar se Nikle to (aik Faqeer ne kaha:Shehzadi  5 rupey de de, Andha hoon.
Husband:   De do, Tumhe Shehzadi kaha hai to zaroor andha ho ga. 
************ **

6) An old man married a young Girl, 
Someone asks the GiRL:    Aap ne in mein Shadi ke liye kiya daikha?
Girl:     Aik to inki INCOME or dosray in ke Din kam. 
************ **

7) They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love;
After marriage:     It is self-defense 
************ **

8)Wife:     You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling:    When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife:     You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling:    Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?
************ **

9)How a woman calls her husband in first 6 years:
Yr 1. Janu
Yr 2. O G.
Yr 3. Aji, sunte ho?
Yr 4. Arey, O Bunty k pappa
And then...
Yr 7. Kahan mar gaye?
Yr 8. Tum aate ho k main aaon?
************ **

10) Teacher:      Wo Kon si Cheez Hai Jo Insaan Ki Izzat Ko Mazbooti Se Jakhre Rakhti Hai?
Student:      MISS, SHALWAR KA NARRA
************ **

11) Husband 2 Wife :       Did u Have any boyfriend before marriage ?? Wife remains silent 
Husband :     Mai is Khamoshi ko kya samjhu ?? 
Wife :      Abbe gin ne to De 
************ **

12) Thappar Maarnay par NaraZ Wife se Husband bola:
Aadmi usi ko maarta hai jis se Pyaar krta hai.
Wife ne Husband ko 2 thappar maaray aur Boli Aap kya samajhtay hain main Aapse Pyaar nahi kerti
************ **

13)Wife:      yesterday-night I saw a dream That u were sending me Jewelry and clothes! 
Husband:      yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill !!! 
************ **

14) Whats the diff between Dava & Daru? 
Dava is like girlfriend, that comes with expiry date and Daru is like wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi. 
************ **

15)Husband:    u will never succeed in making that dog obey u!
Wife:     Nonsense its only a matter of patience, I had a lot of trouble with u at first.
************ **

16) Husband aur Wife Hotel me gaye tabhi 1 Lady ne Hello kiya,
Wife nay pocha, Koun Thi Wo?
Husband:-     Tum dimagh kharab mat karo,
main pehle hi pareshan hun k woh bhi Yehi pochay gi.

THE CASE AGAINST LORD KRISHNA

A nun in Warsaw, Poland, filed a case against ISKCON (International Society for Krishna Consciousness). The case came up in court.

The nun remarked that ISKCON was spreading its activities and gaining followers in Poland. She wanted ISKCON banned because its followers were glorifying a character called Krishna who had loose morals, having married 16,000 women called Gopikas.

The ISKCON defendant to the Judge: “Please ask the nun to repeat the oath she took when she was ordained as a nun. The Judge asked the nun to recite the oath loudly. She would not. The ISKCON man asked whether he could read out the oath for the nun. Go ahead, said the judge.

The oath said in effect that 'she (the nun) is married to Jesus Christ'. The ISKCON man said, "Your Lordship! Lord Krishna is alleged to have 'married' 16,000 women. There are more than a million nuns who assert that they are married to Jesus Christ. Between the two, Krishna and the nuns, who has a loose character?

The case was dismissed!!